


Legit mind

by Totally_Legit



Category: GOT7
Genre: 2Jae, 2young - Freeform, 2youngjae - Freeform, Angst, Fantasy, Filth, Fluff, Gore, M/M, One Shot, One Shot Collection, Small bits of other ships, Smut, Violence, cuteness, jjp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2019-07-23 09:55:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 28,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16156682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Totally_Legit/pseuds/Totally_Legit
Summary: One Shots of all sizes and genres originally posted on tumblr.





	1. Sweet lullaby - 2jae Fluff

**Author's Note:**

> Not having all of my writings on the same platform made me uneasy beyond words.  
> So I'm just posting all my tumblr One-Shots here to feel less anxious.

Step Number one: Admit your addiction.

Jaebum had done that. He had. He had looked in the mirror, eyes fixated on his own face and he had said it out loud: “I can’t without.”

Step Number two: Detox.

Jaebum had done that. He had. He had stayed away from his stuff. Had asked his friends for help, had made a plan together. Jackson was a lot of help. Made a plan to slowly reduce his intake, find other things that could satisfy him.

It had failed pathetically. Jaebum didn’t have enough self-control. He gave in to his desire again and again and again. And the longing didn’t get better over time, just worse.

He was miserable. He was a burden on everybody. Moody, tired, short-tempered.

He was a junkie.

Step Number three: Cold withdrawal.

That one had been Youngjae’s idea. He had suggested it so timid as if he feared Jaebum would blow up in his face. It had hurt, to be the one to scare him and in a sudden rush of adrenaline and confidence and affection, he had agreed.

It was probably the worst decision of his life.

Jaebum was unbearable for the others. He didn’t sleep. He was aggressive, depressed, powerless. He laid in bed and shifted and groaned and wanted.

And then it worked. Somehow.

Ever so slowly, his mind calmed. When his body was tired enough, sleep would take him and he would be fine. He was friendly again. He could listen and help and support and his little one weren’t longer afraid of him.

Sometimes.

Sometimes he was restless. Sometimes he felt like he was drowning. He thought how cruel life was to burden him with this.

He was shivering when he pulled the apartment door close behind him. It was late and quiet, everyone was asleep but him. The streets were empty, the night breeze warm when he pulled into the parking lot and locked the car after him.

The apartment was dark, Jaebum unlocked the door quietly, tiptoed down the hallway. “Youngjae.” He whispered as he pulled the blanket away from the sleeping figure. He hardly made a sound, but Youngjae woke instantly. “Hyung.” He said sleep-ridden. Jaebum wanted to say something, explain himself, but not a word would leave his mouth.

“It’s okay.” Youngjae murmured and reached out his arm for him. Jaebum moved in, found his way onto the mattress, under the blanket, found his way to Youngjae’s side where his salvation waited. “It’s okay, Hyung.” Youngjae whispered again and then again. “It’s okay.” A hand found its way into his hair as Jaebum rested his head at Youngjae’s chest. He sighed, just so managed to force out a pitiful ‘Sorry”, but Youngjae’s sweet voice reminded him that it was “okay.” Youngjae gently wrapped his arms around him.

“It’s fine, Hyung. You’re fine.” His voice was like a melody. “You’re more than fine. You’re good. You’re good for us. You’re good for the world. You’re good for me.” Careful fingers sliding through his hair, over his scalp like affection in its purest form.

“The world wouldn’t be okay without Jaebum. The world needs Jaebum. We all do.” It was warm and soft around Jaebum. His thoughts untangled, the pain in his chest faded.

Youngjae’s voice was soothing like gentle sunshine and the silence of falling snow.

“You’re worthy. Worthy of love, worthy of attention. Worthy of me. You deserve everything there is. Everything you get and everything you don’t.”

It was this. The one thing to make the tension fall off. The one thing to make his brain stop working.

 

Jaebum knew it wasn’t normal. He knew he shouldn’t be like this.

But he was addicted to Youngjae’s lullaby.


	2. Lollipop - 2jae smut

When Youngjae had been hardly more than a little boy with chubby cheeks made of lingering baby fat. When Youngjae had just been added to GOT7 in the last minute before debut and was insecure and frightened. Back then he had eaten a lollipop once.

He had eaten it and Jaebum had watched him and Jaebum had cried buckets full of hot tears of shame after he’d come in his pants.

Now Youngjae was not a baby anymore. He was a confident, grown up young man made of hardened muscle and fine features. He was an admirable, handsome guy full of talent and experience. Now he did not eat a lollipop.

He fucked it.

  
  


While Jaebum’s jaw was slack as he watched, eyes trained on Youngjae’s mouth without blinking, his cock was not. He was rock hard underneath the painful constraints of his tight jeans and it was not his fucking fault.

All the Maknae’s ate a lollipop. BamBam and Yugyeom had shoved it into their mouth, bitten it between their teeth and went on to do something else.

But not Youngjae. Youngjae had unwrapped it, darted his tongue out and licked one big wet stripe along the side. He had left it linger on the pink tip of his tongue, closed his eyes in pleasure and then he had used the round, red lollipop to shove his own tongue back behind his teeth. He had wrapped it into his mouth and Jaebum had thought that had been it, but Youngjae had only just begun. A moment later he pulled the lollipop back out, left it linger between his lips for a moment that he’d sucked tightly around the thickest part of the lollipop.

Jaebum couldn’t even tell when he’d started hardening, but he couldn’t tear his gaze away. Youngjae opened his mouth, wider than was necessary and stuck his tongue out, further than was necessary and rolled and rubbed the lollipop against hit, slipped it over the raw surface of his tongue that was slightly reddening from the food coloring of the damn cherry lollipop.

Youngjae put his tongue back into his mouth and instead pursed his lips to smear the lollipop all over them, until they were coated with a thick layer of flavored sugar, glistening as if they were lip-glossed.

Jaebum’s cock was so hard and so tightly tugged away, it fucking hurt like a bitch. He hadn’t even noticed how his breath had gone ragged from the show he was watching and how his fingers had cramped around the armrest of his seat until the knuckles turned white.

Youngjae took the lollipop away and slipped his tongue out, just barely, just enough so he could reach his shiny lips and in slow-motion he began licking off the sugar coating. Jaebum moaned under his breath, imagination running wild. His hard-on twitched inside his pants. Youngjae licked and licked his lips until they were swollen and when he was finally done, he started all over again. The stupid fucking lollipop going in and out of his mouth, sometimes opening so wide that it could have fitted 5 lollipops and sometimes between his tightly closed lips so that they bulged around it.

And his tongue, getting redder and redder slicked around the ball, the tiny tip rubbing along it as if they were fighting.

  
  


Jaebum couldn’t hold onto himself. He popped his jeans open, when he was so far gone that he couldn’t possibly give a fuck anymore. And he shoved his hand into his boxer shorts and curled his fingers around himself. And with his strong grip on his straining erection, Youngjae’s show was a million times as arousing. Jaebum imagined that he could _feel_ it. That he could feel his tongue licking along his shaft like the lollipop. That he could feel those swollen, glossy red lips wrap around the head of his cock and swallow him down the wet heat.

Jaebum moaned while he flicked his wrist furiously, a deep grumble in his chest followed by a desperate gasp for air.

At the other end of the room, Youngjae’s head piped up. The lollipop plopped out of his mouth and while he licked more sugar off his lips his eyes scanned the room and the situation before him and eventually ended up in Jaebum’s lap.

  
  


He did not hesitate, but neither did he hurry to get up and walk over in his direction. Jaebum did not even have it in him to remove his hand from his pants. He was too far. Too horny for too long. Too desperate to finally come.

Right in front of the sofa, Youngjae dropped to his knees. By having him so close, Jaebum could see how abused his reddened lips were from the treatment. They should be feeling sore as shit and it gave Jaebum a small sense of satisfaction that was entirely out of place.

He sat up straighter, moved closer to the edge of the sofa and grabbed the back of Youngjae’s head. With a smirk, Youngjae opened his mouth and stuck out his tongue, placing the lollipop in the middle of it. It wasn’t even half of its original size anymore. Jaebum groaned and shuddered, jerking himself quicker and more desperate, lust and hunger taking him over.

He just wanted to ruin that pretty face and its stupidly delicious mouth. And Youngjae used his free hand to loosely curl it around Jaebum’s length and own hand and looked up into his eyes under his lashes.

  
  


Jaebum growled viciously, pulled Youngjae’s head closer and his whole body tensed and shuddered as he came. He shot his load across his face, spurted white hot liquid onto his tongue and swollen lips and the fucking lollipop and some onto his cheeks and Youngjae let him come with his eyes closed and mouth open, until the last bit of Jaebum’s sperm ended up on his bottom lip. Only then Youngjae opened his eyes again and closes his mouth instead. He sucked the lollipop clean and swallowed hard and licked the cum off his lips like he had licked the sugar coating.

And he swiped the sweet lollipop through the mess on his cheeks, eyed it shortly and the he licked that off as well and Jaebum almost cried over the filth. “Fuck you.” He muttered in a broken voice and Youngjae beamed. And he leaned forward where he knelt as if he belonged there and whispered to him as if it were a secret. “I win.”


	3. Bodyguard - JJP/2jae Gore

Jinyoung is scared shitless.

Yugyeom has called him to be too soft for this job more than once and Jinyoung has taken his knee to the boy’s stomach for that. But now he thinks it might be true.

 

 

Jinyoung’s hand is at his hip, hovering above the holster of his pistol, but frozen mid-movement. Some guy presses the barrel of a gun between his shoulder blades. It doesn’t faze Jinyoung much. He doesn’t fear pain or death. At least not his own.

 

Each of his friends is being held at gunpoint by one of the intruders. Mark and BamBam to his right. Yugyeom and Jackson on the other side of the room. And Jaebum. All of them. All but one.

Youngjae’s attacker lies on the ground, the heel of his shoe digging into the back of his head, pressing his face flat against the solid stone ground with his left wrist in Youngjae’s grip.

That’s why he’s the number one.

 

Jinyoung is furious. He wants to attack. Wants to hurt and to kill. His narrow eyes are trained onto the man in the middle of the room. He is the leader pretty obviously. He stands tall and confident on the furry carpet to Jaebum’s feet, arm raised before him.

And Jinyoung is scared shitless. He signed up for this, but he didn’t know what he would sign up for.

 

Being a bodyguard for one of the most powerful mafia bosses in the world is fine… until someone points a gun into the face of the man you love most.

 

Mark is shaking to Jinyoung’s right, but Jaebum is calm.  
He did not even bother to drop his glass of wine. He sits comfortably, legs crossed and smirks up into the face of the intruder.

Jinyoung thinks maybe he should know that man, might should know why he’s here or what his motive is, but he can’t remember right now. He doesn’t give a fuck. He’s scanning the room for a weak point. A dent in their defence. He’s scanning for a way out.

 

Of course he will not be the only one. He can see Jackson’s brain working from where he stands, he can see the flickering of Yugyeoms eyes, knowing he’s figuring out a plan behind them.

 

But Jinyoung is pretty sure that his thoughts are going into an entirely different direction. “Save Jaebum.” That’s what his brain is telling him and that’s all he can think about. It doesn’t matter who dies. It doesn’t matter what happens afterwards. It doesn’t even matter if it seals his own fate. As long and Jaebum will live.

 

Jaebum who doesn’t seem to care whether he lives or dies.

“And when you killed me. What’s next?” his deep, calm voice asks, tone mocking and goosebumps creep down Jinyoung’s back.

The man doesn’t answer.

“You know you will be dead the moment you pull that trigger, right?” Jaebum asks and raises one eyebrow, lips curling into the hint of a grin. Jaebum can’t see, but he still knows. Jinyoung’s insides ache over that realization.

Jaebum can’t see behind him where Youngjae stands, but he still somehow knows. How Youngjae’s free arm is pointed right at the guy’s head, index hovering over the trigger, ready to pull and blow the man’s brain matter over the pastel walls.

Jinyoung thinks he might see a shift in the attacker’s posture, think he might see him falter and he begs in his mind for the dude to just give up.

 

“Let’s say you succeed in killing me…” Jaebum keeps going, casually rolling the glass between his fingers. “It won’t do you anything good, because you will be dead. And all of your men will be dead. So, what’s the plan?” He speaks in a chatting voice. Jinyoung can’t help but to admire his nerves of steel. But then again, maybe Jaebum really isn’t afraid to die. Just like Jinyoung. Maybe they are too similar.

 

The barrel presses a little harder into Jinyoung’s spine.

“It doesn’t matter if I do not walk away from here.” The attacker finally speaks and his voice is somewhat familiar. “As long as I take you with me. For my sister.”

 

Jinyoung’s brain clicks. Of course he knows who the man is. Relief floods his senses. It’s overwhelming and Yugyeom’s words prove to be true. He is too soft.

Jinyoung’s posture relaxes when his mind eases. It’s unconscious, but BamBam, smart, attentive BamBam picks up on it.

It’s a split second. He watches Jinyoung from the corner of his eye and his gaze snaps back into the middle of the room.

 

And in one swift motion he kicks out backwards, hitting the one holding him at gunpoint into the shin and at the same time yells at Jaebum. “HE KNOWS!”

 

Chaos breaks lose. Everything happens too quickly to witness what is going on. It’s dangerous being a bodyguard for a Mafia boss. But all of them have been chosen carefully. Jaebum is fast. It is as if he has known before BamBam voiced it. As if he could see the future. He leaps forward and it is obvious that all relaxedness has been nothing but an act. It’s obvious that his body was ready to attack any second.

 

The man’s gun-holding arm has hardly any time to move. He lifts it, a bit, just enough to raise it above Jaebum’s shoulder, but he has no time to aim before he fires. When Jaebum’s fists already hits him in the chest and he stumbles. It was his last action. He is dead before he hits the ground. Jaebum’s knife rams through his jaw and bores into his skull.

 

Youngjae did not need to shoot him. His gun flares around and he fires and the pistol digging into Jinyoung’s back falls away when the guy gets torn backwards by the impact. Youngjae shot him right in the head over Jinyoung’s shoulder.

 

There are yells and there is gunfire. Everything happens in slow-motion and yet it is over before Jinyoung finishes taking a single breath. Before his numb mind realizes that Jaebum is indeed safe.

The intruders stand no chance.

 

Jackson spits on the ground. Blood is splattered across his face and into his mouth. The pearl white floor is littered with bodies, stained bloodred. All seven men are dead.

And all seven of them are standing.

 

Jinyoung did not move a single muscle. It goes quiet in the room and as the gunpowder settles all eyes wander in his direction until every living pair is on him.

Jinyoung looks back at Jaebum. He sees the pain in his face and it makes his heart flutter. He should be sorry. He knows it’s over and he knows he will be forced to apologize before his time is up.

But he doesn’t feel regret.

 

Youngjae’s heavy sigh breaks the silence. His pistol clatters to the ground and he finally steps away from the guy he’d been containing and who probably died the slowest death from a messy shot into his spine.

Youngjae swipes his sleeve over his face. Opposed to Jackson, the blood on his face is his own. Jaebum had been fast, but just not that fast. The shot that was fired and that had gone over his shoulder had just so grazed Youngjae’s cheek and left blood trickling down to his jaw.

 

That shot was supposed to kill him, so a scratch is not really something to complain over. Yet, Youngjae eyes his stained sleeve with anger and disappointment. On the blue fabric his blood looks black.

“Would you like to see me dead, Jinyoungie?” He asks and looks him in the eyes. Jinyoung shudders. The scary thing about Youngjae is, that he is not scary at all.

 

Jaebum reaches out. Jinyoung isn’t sure what his motivation is, maybe Jaebum isn’t either. He smoothes his hand down from Youngjae’s hair to his cheek. Wipes away more blood that is still flowing out of the shallow wound. He slides his hands down to Youngjae’s chest, pops open the buttons of his jacket to pull it off his shoulders, relieve him from the soiled textile.

 

Youngjae lets him, but doesn’t take his eyes away from Jinyoung, who doesn’t dare to move. Neither does anyone else. The others are so quiet as if they weren’t even in the room. Jaebum throws the jacket away and presses a cotton handkerchief to Youngjae’s cheek. Only then does the glance at Jinyoung from the side again.

 

Jinyoung stirs. Finally he gets a hold of his gun that was the only one still stuck in the holster. He pulls it out, knowing that four hands in the room grip their own guns tighter as he does, ready to defend their boss, even against their friend.

But Jinyoung turns it around and walks up to Youngjae with his arm stretched out, handle pointed at him. It’s an offering, but Youngjae doesn’t take it. Not even when Jinyoung drops to his knees on the blood-soaked carpet, next to the lifeless corpse of the man he told one secret too much.

 

“I’m disappointed in you, Jinyoung.” Youngjae eventually says and finally claims his seat again, sinking back into the fancy cushion. “I take so many precautions to protect my identity and then it is one of my closest friends that turns out to be the mole.” Jinyoung keeps the gun reached out at him while Younjgae speaks.

 

“Is this how you try to get me out of the way, Jinyoungie?” He asks. “Finding my pettiest enemies and telling them to aim for the bodyguard?” Youngjae leans forward and curls his fingers around the handle of the pistol.

“People want me dead, Jinyoung. Because I murdered their family. Destroyed their homes, abducted their children, mutilated their wives…” He murmurs softly. “And you just want me gone, because I fuck your boyfriend?”

 

Jinyoung’s jaw clenches. He sees that Jaebum makes a sudden motion in the corner of his eye, but he doesn’t dare to tear his gaze away from Youngjae. He distinctly notices that he’s shivering. He’s not sure what he feels. It’s not fear. Maybe anger. Maybe pain.

 

Eventually he shakes his head. Just a tiny motion. Youngjae scoffs. “Any last request?” He sighs and Jinyoung’s back tenses in surprise. He did not expect it to happen this fast. Youngjae should make him gravel and beg for forgiveness. Punch him, kick him. Torture him until he cries.

 

Jinyoung, who’s still holding the barrel of his pistol pulls it close and places it against his forehead. Then he closes his eyes and shakes his head. He’s been ready for this longer than even Youngjae can guess.

“You should ask for something.” Youngjae states and pulls the gun away, so Jinyoung’s eyes fly open again. “When I offer you to grant you a wish, you should ask for something.” Youngjae pretends to be irritated, but he’s just playing and Jinyoung’s thoughts are racing, trying to figure out what he can come up with.

 

“How about…” Youngjae smiles. “Asking for a Goodbye kiss?”

Jinyoung’s shoulders shake. His heart aches. Yugyeom was right. He is too soft for this. He nods. “I would like that.” He answers quietly, hearing his own tiny voice and realizing it’s the first words he spoke in a long while. It is always the safest way to play along with Youngjae. He doesn’t have any reason to pettily try and protect his pride. There’s no point in fighting.

 

Youngjae and Jaebum don’t need words to communicate. Jinyoung knows it. He’s seen it thousands of times. They are like a single being. Perfectly in sync. Jaebum leans down to him without being ordered. It would be so much easier, Jinyoung realizes, if he could convince himself that Jaebum didn’t have a choice.

Their eyes find each other. Jaebum is close enough that Jinyoung can feel his breath on his skin, smell his cologne. He sees the pain in his eyes. But he does not see him hesitate. And it’s Jinyoung’s fault, he knows that. He knows that he made Jaebum choose and he had always known how Jaebum’s choice would be.

 

“I love you.” Jinyoung whispers against Jaebums lips, right before they meet. His eyes flutter shut. He wishes Jaebum would hold his head like he does with Youngjae, but they’re not lovers. It’s a distant kiss. Cold and mechanic. Jaebum’s lips taste like blood.

He pulls away too soon.

 

Jinyoung’s eyes open with a long delay. When they finally do, he witnesses Youngjae placing Jinyoung’s pistol in Jaebum’s hand. Jaebum steps back until he’s right next to Youngjae’s seat, places his hand on the back of his neck and raises the other one to point at Jinyoung’s forehead.

 

Jinyoung consciously blacks out everything around them, until Jaebum is the only thing he can see, ignoring the way Youngjae leans his head against his boyfriend’s hip.

 

They look into each other’s eyes and Jaebum’s lips form a silent word.

  
“Sorry.”-


	4. BFF

„He did WHAT?“ Bam Bam yells and Jinyoung flinches. Apparently he had not expected such a noisy response. And if Bam Bam were honest, he did not expect it himself really either. He just can’t help it. Normally he is all chill and easygoing. That’s what people like about him.

But this… this just makes him furious. He can’t help the flare of anger rising up in his chest, clogging his throat. He wants to spit, yell, maybe punch something. “That’s not okay” He hisses and crosses his arms defensively.

Instead of flinching again, a sly grin begins spreading over Jinyoung’s lips and Bam Bam thinks it might end up being him that he’s going to punch. “Why would you care?” Jinyoung asks innocently. “You don’t live in the dorms anymore…”

Bam Bam scoffs and turns away. Doesn’t want to look at Jinyoung any longer, who, after losing eye contact instead starts humming a song he’s been humming a lot in Bam Bam’s presence recently.

“AM NOT!” Bam Bam yells under his breath and walks away.

 

Bam Bam finds Yugyeom in the opposite corner and walks straight up to him. “Are we bringing people back to the dorm now?” he asks grumpy and flops down into a chair near his best friend. Yugyeom turns around and eyes him confused. “What?” he inquires and Bam Bam pouts. “Jinyoung told me.”

Yugyeoms tilts his head. “Yeah well… the Hyungs didn’t care… Why do you?” Bam Bam doesn’t. He does, of course. But he doesn’t have a reason. It’s not about people, anyways. “Well, it’s just… we don’t do that and also… ugh… privacy…” He defends himself weakly.

 

This has been going on for a while. A long while and it was about time for Yugyeom to finally pick up on Bam Bam’s strange behavior. Where for the longest time Yugyeom would be oblivious, innocent, confused… He now looks back at Bam Bam with an expression on his face that is undoubtedly one thing. Sadness.

Bam Bam’s chest hurts, but before he can say anything else Youngjae comes bouncing up from the other end of the room, singing.

“Why does Jinyoung-Hyung keep singing “Jealousy” to himself all the time?” Youngjae complains. “Now I got it stuck in my head again.”

 

 

Bam Bam’s thumbs fly over the keyboard of his phone, typing swiftly. He has a lot to say and he gradually loses all hesitation to send all that he types down.

He knows the others in the group chat are noticing it by now. He does not know, however, that they’ve all been talking about his strange behavior secretly. He does know, though, that the target of his bad mood has long ago picked up on it. Long before Yugyeom did and Bam Bam does feel sorry. It’s nothing personal, really.

 

He wants to send another snippy remark, but before he can hit the button, a large hand grabs for his phone and snatches it out of his grip. “Hey, give it back!” Bam Bam demands and when he turns he finds Yugyeom holding his phone as far away from him as possible.

Bam Bam unconsciously crosses his arms again.

 

“We have to talk.” Yugyeom states and tucks Bam Bam’s phone into his pocket. Bam Bam goes into Baby-Mode where he refuses to listen and shakes his head.

“I know you’re upset.” Yugyeom says and he sounds really really sad, to the point where it stings in Bam Bam’s chest and he actually looks up. “I’m sorry that we’ve never talked about this… But… I wouldn’t have thought it’d make you so angry…” He sits uncomfortably on the armrest at the other end of the sofa. As far away from Bam Bam as possible.

“I’m just…. I can’t change it, okay?” Yugyeom plays with his fingers nervously. “Just please…. Don’t vent your anger out on Kookie…. He thinks you hate him.”

Bam Bam crunches his nose over the mentioning. Kookie here, Kookie there. It always has to be about him! “Maybe I do!” he snaps. He doesn’t. Not really. He used to like Jungkook a lot, he just doesn’t like him with Yugyeom. Doesn’t like them spending so much time together.

Yugyeom sniffs. “Fine.” He says and it sounds choked. “But it’s not his fault. You should hate me instead. I will tell him to stop trying. And you… Whatever I don’t care.” Yugyeom whips out his phone and throws it at him. Then he gets up and walks away and Bam Bam is left looking after him, wondering what happened.

He’s conflicted. He wants to feel angry, but he feels more regretful than anything else. Maybe instead of behaving so childish he should have tried harder…

 

It doesn’t take Bam Bam all that long to decide to reconcile with Yugyeom. He’s chill and easy going after all. He’s Yugyeom’s best friend and he loves him dearly. And he is the older one, too.

Even though he doesn’t live in the dorm anymore, doesn’t mean he never goes there. All of the members that moved out are still welcome in their old home. Bam Bam punches in the Code and pushes the door open when it beeps.

 

He’s not sure if Yugyeom is even home with all of them having followed their individual schedules that day. Someone is home definitely, as Bam Bam can hear the TV running in the living room and he decides that it would be fine waiting for Yugyeom to come home if he has someone to keep him company.

Except, when he takes off his shoes and attempts to make his way to the living room, he startles and hesitates. He can’t understand what is being said in the TV-program that’s running… if it is one. But just now there was a noise that sounded a little bit too naughty. While he stops and listens, he can hear it again. A deep, grumbling moan and another, higher-pitched squeaky one.

Bam Bam frowns. He can’t believe that manners in the dorm have dropped to such lows in the short time he has not been living there anymore. That members are watching porn in the living room now, at full volume, instead of hiding away in their bedrooms or the bathroom to do so.

He goes back to walking, hearing another moan as he does, blissful enough to spark his curiosity. The closer he gets to the living room, the more sounds he can make out. Not just moaning, but pleasured gasps and sighs and for some reason the low squeaking of their leather sofa.

And as he gets even closer, he can hear the conversation going on in the TV-drama that is running and that is not pornographic in the slightest. And he realizes more and more that the sounds he figured were porn coming from the speakers… must be coming from some very real life people occupying the living room.

 

It would be the nice choice to turn around and leave, Bam Bam knows that. But he can’t believe manners in the dorm have dropped THAT low that members would openly be having sex in the living room. And he feels like barging in on them, hoping to gain himself some kind of leverage to make fun of a Hyung or scold them. Whatever he feels like.

He grabs the door handle with a mischievous grin and throws it open with sudden force, making it bang into the opposite wall.

 

The two people on the sofa startle. There’s a screech and some yelling and cursing. Bam Bam hears a lot of naughty words and something along the lines of “You said nobody would come home.”

Yet, while he listens to the mess of slurs and cries and watches the chaos unfold on the sofa, the happy grin on his face fades slowly.

It’s not one of his Hyungs devouring a Hook-up on the sofa.  
It’s Yugyeom. His one and only cute best friend Yugyeom and his arch enemy. Jungkook.

Jungkook who was comfortably nestled between Yugyeom’s spread legs before Bam Bam interrupted them. Jungkook, whose stupidly muscular arms were flexing and tensing from holding himself up, hovering above Yugyeom’s naked body. Jungkook who jumps away, trying to cover his nakedness, except all of his clothes are scattered around the floor and the only thing in reach is one of the sofa cushions he desperately presses over his lap.

Jungkook who fidgets and shifts and doesn’t dare to look at either of them, whose eyes flicker as he cowers in fear like the scared little rabbit that he is.

 

Yugyeom sits up and looks back at Bam Bam with a lot less shame and guilt than Jungkook. “What the fuck do you want?” He spits, unfazed by how his bare manhood is a little distracting, even to Bam Bam who’s probably seen him naked more often than his own mum has. Though usually Yugyeom isn’t that hard, nor is his face as flushed or his skin as sweaty.

 

Bam Bam doesn’t answer right away. He’s too confused. Too slow. He’s processing what he’s seeing. What it means. Trying to figure out where he’s been wrong.

“Uhm…” he makes eventually. “I actually came to… you know… talk?” He tries to look Yugyeom in the face. Tries not to get distracted by Jungkooks cowering figure slumped behind Yugyeom and attempting really hard not to be seen.

“Bad timing.” Yugyeom hisses and Bam Bam nods. Yeah, well. He knows that now, too. “Apologize.” He adds, a little fazed. “For being mean. I wanted to.” Bam Bam thinks he should be forgiven slight grammar errors considering the situation.

 

Yugyeom’s angry expression falters a little. “Okay…” He mumbles. “But, uhm… later, okay?” As if he just now becomes aware of the situation his cheeks tint a deep pink. The kind that Bam Bam is envious of, because his own skin is too dark to color so prettily.

Bam Bam’s toes rub over the floor nervously. If he’s not absolutely stupid… he’s wondering if he’s always been angry for nothing. Wondering if he still has a chance. If things aren’t as dark as he thought they were. He knows he should leave, but Bam Bam never had the best manners… and manners in the dorm are really at a low apparently.

 

“Are you guys…” He begins, looking back and forth between the two. “Like… dating?” Yugyeom frowns. “Well, duh!” He makes and his crossed arms finally untangle. “Now leave?”

Bam Bam’s upper body turns halfway away, but he does not really plan to go just yet, still looking at them. “He’s your boyfriend?” He gestures at Jungkook, whose lips are pressed into a thin line and who is completely still and quiet.

“Bam Bam!” Yugyeom scolds. “That’s what we’ve been fighting over!? Are you that happy right now you’re keeping us from… being intimate…?” his voice is suddenly a lot smaller with the last words.

“That’s not what we’ve been fighting over…” Bam Bam gives back aghast. “Then all these times when you said you’re going out with Jungkook and didn’t ask me to come along, it was because you were actually, like… going out?” He asks anxiously. He’d been so enormously hurt every single time Yugyeom preferred to hang out with Jungkook instead and didn’t even bother to ask him.

Yugyeom gives him a bewildered look. “Why the hell should I ask you to come on our dates?”

Bam Bam can’t help it. Tears dwell up in his eyes and he juts out his bottom lip in a pouting manner. Something he has not done in a long time. And never has done to Yugyeom in the first place. But they have never misunderstood one another like this either.

“So you didn’t replace me?” He asks and besides everything walks a step towards him. “I‘m still your best friend?!“

Yugyeom‘s jaw drops. He stares up at him, dazed, mouth hanging open. „O…of course.“ He stutters and blushes a little extra. “He’s your boyfriend, right?” Bam Bam asks again, just to clarify and Yugyeom nods in his dazed state. “And I am still your best friend? Not he?” Bam Bam points at himself, speaking with pressure.

He notices that Jungkook finally looks at him and his face is in disbelief. “Is that…. Why you were angry?” Yugyeom’s voice is strained, almost as if he is about to cry or yell. Bam Bam is a little bit embarrassed. “How could I know you were actually…” He gestures vaguely in their direction. “That.” Jungkook buries his face in his hands and Bam Bam thinks he might need to apologize to him, but then again, nobody bothered to clarify their relationship for him, so it’s not really his fault is it?

 

“I won’t replace you as my best friend.” Yugyeom whines desperately. “Now can you please get out and leave us alone?! We’ll talk tomorrow!”

Bam Bam shrugs. “’Kay.” He grins and waves. “Bye guys. I love you. And please… You should wait at least like, 15 minutes to get your boners back, please. Or I’ll throw up.”

He turns around and leaves the dorm and he bounces down the stairs thinking that he hasn’t been in such a good mood for weeks.


	5. Spy (2youngjae gore)

Jinyoung was scared, the threatening shadow of failure looming above him. He hadn’t expected them to put up such a fight. He mouthed an apology to Mark who rolled his eyes and shook his head. To be fair, Jinyoung had really not found morale at its highest in the past couple of weeks. He’d assumed more of the members would surrender individually. The guards were understaffed and poorly equipped all thanks to rivaling Park Jinyoung, who’d sent his guys for attacks frequently, murdering people and stealing guns.

Then again, that might be the reason why everybody had been expecting to be attacked and hence was prepared to strike back as fiercely as they now did.

Jinyoung was up front as his team’s leader. He knew all the paths and corners well enough, knew where the blokes with assault rifles were hiding, could lead around hidden traps. And still, they fought viciously. Jinyoung was grateful for his teams’ protective gear, the bulletproof vests probably saving one life after the other. Whenever a gang member was capable of casting a good look in his direction, he could make out the betrayal in their eyes. He soaked up their hate and fury with grim joy, knowing he’d played his role well.

Park Jinyoung, 31, double agent. He was so gonna be promoted for this.

If he made it. All they had to do was to get through to the end. Getting rid of a bunch of replaceable thugs wasn’t worth shit. It was the boss that he was after. The cherry topping of his résumé. The gold medal. The last challenge. And he would finally be on top.

Im Jaebum, who’d against all odds managed to find himself a place in the gangster-world, snaking and slipping into the cracks and holes that powerful but arrogant Park Jinyoung had overlooked. Acting internationally and overseeing a large network, he was still the more powerful boss. But domestically, Jaebum had overtaken him a while ago, finding empty places to sneak in, then growing until he was filling them out and finally he’d brought the solid framework to crumble under his pressure. Jinyoung had been impressed and maybe a little intrigued by the man who’d been so fearless and clever. His name-sharer was less impressed and more aggravated. Hence ordering the attacks.

It was loud and chaotic. It was a gang-fight after all. Men yelling and gunfire and furniture toppling over and things dropping to the ground. Guns and bats and bodies alike. Jinyoung was more focused on avoiding being engaged in a fight. He slipped through doors, ducked under bullets, darted out of the path of running gang members.

Mark and Jackson were right behind him, quick and able, following his lead blindly. They had more pressing business than getting into a fistfight with a two meter guard.

“Back there.” Jinyoung said to them when the majority of fighting noises lay behind them and gestured in the right direction. Jaebum was practically defenseless by now. He was usually alone in the back (Well almost alone), Jinyoung knew that from experience.

The door to the lounge swung open without resistance when Jinyoung punched in the access code. The desk and sofa were vacated, the room dimly lit, but in the corner on the white, high standing single person bed that looked like it was stolen from a teenage girl’s room and was entirely out of place, sat Youngjae. He had a fluffy blanket pulled up all the way to his chin and stared in their direction, pure terror on his face.

Next to Jinyoung Mark raised his gun-arm, but Jinyoung lifted his own to hold him down, sent him a glance and a subtle shake of his head. “That’s just his whore.” He explained and Mark’s eyes narrowed slightly.

“Youngjae-ah” Jinyoung spoke gently and took careful steps in his direction, arm reached out in a soothing gesture. The blanket sunk a tiny bit and Youngjae’s shy voice whispered. “Hyung…?” Jinyoung nodded, still walking closer. Youngjae’s arms were bare, probably he was nude under that blanket and a fresh set of purplish bruises lined his shoulder and neck. They added to the constant bruises around his wrists and ankles and his chapped, swollen lips. Hot anger flooded Jinyoung’s senses at the view. The hate he felt for Jaebum clouded his vision for second, so extreme was it. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself.

“Yes, Youngjae.” He murmured tenderly as to not scare the boy any further. “It’s me, don’t worry.” Youngjae let the blanket sink to his lap, but he still had his fingers clenched around it when Jinyoung approached him. “But…” he whimpered, “But Hyung, they’re coming for us… They… JYP…” His enlarged eyes flickered between him and his companions.

“Shhh.” Jinyoung made and bent in close enough to pet his hair. “It’s okay, babe. I’m here. I’ll protect you. Don’t worry.” He leaned in as he breathed soothing words and eventually placed his lips on Youngjae’s, kissing him softly while he played with the velvety fuzz at the back of his neck. Youngjae allowed for him to be kissed and Jinyoung considered in one victory for today. “Good boy.” He murmured when he ended the kiss. “I’m sorry for lying to you. I had to, you understand that? Don’t be afraid, honey.” Youngjae kept staring at him, head still, but one of his hands fled over the blanket reaching behind him. Jinyoung just so caught his wrist to stop him, knowing there was a gun hidden for Youngjae’s protection, even though he wasn’t sure Youngjae had the heart to use it.

“No, baby, stop it.” He cooed, “I’ll take care of you.” He pulled his hand up to kiss his fingers and smoothed his free one down his arm and waist and the blanket where his thigh was underneath. Youngjae’s breath staggered between his parted, shiny lips. “You’ll be safe. I’ll take you with me. We just have to get rid of him.” He saw tears dwell up in Youngjae’s eyes at the words. “No no no “ He tried to coax him, kissed him carefully again, on the lips, the cheek, the palm of his hand. “We have to… But it’s okay, I’ll be the one to take care of you, baby. I’ll treat you well, I won’t hurt you, okay? Ever.”

Youngjae shook his head, but Jinyoung felt his resistance falter. “The men said you’re a spy… You’re working for JYP…” Youngjae sniffed and Jinyoung nodded. “I wouldn’t believe it…” Jinyoung tried a smile. “I’m sorry… But Jaebum is a bad man… And he hurts you.” Jinyoung pulled out one of the drawers under the bed to take out a pair of sweatpants. “We’ll get rid of him so you’ll be safe my little sunshine.” Youngjae took the pants from him without hesitation and Jinyoung added “I love you.”

There was a slight tint of pink creeping to Youngjae’s cheeks and for a second Jinyoung forgot about everything around him, until Mark made an obnoxious ratcheting sound. “Fuck, are you done, man?” He asked, obviously disgusted. Jinyoung ignored him and turned around to Jackson, who’s expression was bare. “Take care of him, please?” he asked one hand on Youngjae’s elbow and sent a pleading look his way. Jackson nodded stoic and wordless and took his place. Jinyoung trusted him, even though Youngjae flinched away from him in fear. He couldn’t blame the boy to be afraid of people, but there was a reason for leaving him to Jackson, who was kind and caring enough.

 

When Jinyoung and Mark made it out the back door, he finally raised his gun before him, posture straightening for fight. “What the fuck was that, Jinyoung? Crushing on a Mafia leader’s fucktoy?” Mark scoffed and Jinyoung refused to answer. Of course he would like to say it’d been an act, but Mark knew him too well. Yes, maybe he had developed some real feelings for poor Youngjae after spending so much time in this room. He’d done everything in his power to get Jaebum to trust him and that included complying when Jaebum asked to suck his cock… Or have his cock sucked by Youngjae.

He fought the thought back down.

Jaebum wasn’t busy or distracted. He was expecting them. His arms opened in a welcoming gesture when Jinyoung stepped over the threshold. He was standing in the middle of his office with a broad, evil smile. “Jinyoungie.” He stated, cheerfully. “And…” He glanced towards Mark expectantly, but he didn’t play along, just raising one eyebrow and staying silent.

“It’s over, Jaebum.” Jinyoung said monotonous, because he had to and didn’t want to waste any time. “We took down your guards and invaded your place. Surrender.” Jaebum grinned. “Shit, Jinyoung. Love. I thought we had a thing.” Jinyoung saw in the corner of his eye that Mark shot him a disbelieving glance and he failed miserably in fighting the blush that crept on his face. He hated that Jaebum could make him flustered with pet names and suggestive smirks. It was easy to hate Jaebum as long as he was out of sight and easy to fall for his charms once they were face to face.

“You break my heart betraying me like that, baby.” Jaebum sighed and he stepped a little closer. Jinyoung couldn’t remember when he let his arm sink. His gun was hanging uselessly at his side. Suddenly Jaebum was right in his personal space, lifting his head with just a single fingertip beneath his chin. “It’s not like I didn’t know you were a fucking spy, babe…” Jinyoung’s eyes grew wider. “But that you’d try to turn my boyfriend against me… wow…” Jinyoung shuddered when Jaebum kissed him. Somewhere between excited and scared to death.

He hated himself, for being so compliant. He never told anyone about the intimate kind of their relationship and he had always wanted to just bury it. As soon was Jaebum was out of the way he would no longer have to think about all the things Jaebum did to him. All the things he let him do. And all the things Jaebum could make him feel. “We have so kindly taken you in between us, hun.” Jaebum chirped, “Tell me, do you favor Youngjae?” Jinyoung shook his head. It didn’t mean no, it meant ‘stop talking’ but Jaebum didn’t care.

“I couldn’t blame you, I am the one who’s head over heels for him after all… But I thought I made you feel really good… Is it his cute butt? Do you like being in control?” Jinyoung took a shaky breath. “Do you like how submissive he is? How innocent and sensitive and vocal?” Pictures flooded Jinyoung’s brain.

He’s had his fair share of violent orgasms with either of them. Sometimes with both. It wasn’t that he favored one over the other. Ultimately it had been pity that had won him over. Youngjae’s sweetness. His trembling bottom lip, his kind nature. And his pain. Because Jaebum was a sadist and everybody knew. Because Youngjae was never without blemishes. Never without cuts and bruises. Because he was so sad and lost and so desperate for affection.

Jinyoung swallowed and his eyes flickered over to the screen where he knew Jaebum had watched his interaction with Youngjae earlier. The bed he’d been sitting on was empty. On the floor next to it lay a crumpled figure in a puddle of dark liquid. Jinyoung’s blood froze, but he had no time to get lost in his thoughts or fear or assumptions when the door burst open already.

It crashed into the opposite wall and there was a noise and then a thump like a punch and Jinyoung managed to whip around just in time to witness the shocked, frightened expression on Mark’s face as he went down. A knee had been rammed into the small of his back. He stumbled and his gun dropped to the ground. Jinyoung might’ve yelled something. Mark stood no chance. He fell forward, soundless and knocked his head on the ground after Youngjae punched him and kicked him again.

He towered over Mark, one foot on the back of his leg and he raised a pistol that can’t be commonly found with a thug and Jinyoung just knew it was Jackson’s. He looked up, found Jinyoung’s eyes and locked their gazes with a smile. Then he fired.

Jinyoung’s body shook with the impact, the noise had his ears ring besides protection. Or maybe it was the terror. He couldn’t process, couldn’t grasp. It wasn’t Youngjae. It wasn’t an innocent, abused little boy. It was a monster, tall and dark and frightening and Mark…

Jinyoung’s body convulsed and he twisted and threw up on the floor. Mark’s head wasn’t there anymore. Nothing but a bloody mess of hair and brain matter and Jinyoung choked and emptied his stomach on the carpet.

He shook, barely able to keep standing, swaying on his feet and only then he noticed that someone held him in place. Jaebum’s hands were warm and gentle on him, his arms steadying. Jinyoung fought free in despair, but stumbled and Jaebum grabbed him again and held him close. “It was a stupid idea to betray me, love.” His sweet, soothing voice said and Jinyoung felt the urge to hide in his arms and cry and black out the rest of the world.

“Did you really think my people can’t deal with a bunch of your bosses goops?” Jinyoung didn’t answer. “Park Jinyoung-sshi?” Jinyoung cried. Tears fell down his cheeks and because he couldn’t stand looking at Mark he raised his eyes and found Youngjae’s again.

“Don’t be scared! I’ll take care of you! I love you baby!” Youngjae cheered, poorly copying Jinyoung’s tone. His eyes were shining, his shoulders shaking in suppressed laughter. “Let’s get rid of Jaebum! I will protect you!” Youngjae giggled while mocking him. “Youngjae!” Jaebum scolded, but not seriously. He was chuckling. “The poor thing! He really likes you.”

 

There were noises swirling in through the still open door. Screams and yelling. Authoritative. Someone bellowed orders. There were guns going off. Not just pistols, but rapid half-automatic fire. Youngjae’s brows furrowed as he turned his head.

Jinyoung sobbed and wiped tears from his face. Footsteps were in the lounge. Fast and heavy. Many booted feet making their way in their direction.

Then a hard, strong voice roared. “FREEZE!”

 

Jaebum flinched. Youngjae stared.

Jinyoung straightened his back as he spoke, low but stern. “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.”

Two pairs of eyes flickered in his direction and the world stopped for a moment. Then the S.W.A.T unit moved.

 

Jaebum and Youngjae were arrested without resistance. They exchanged looks, but every time their eyes wandered in Jinyoung’s direction he looked away. His fingers were numb, but his heart ached. He was not granted the blissful hours of shock before realization settled. He felt Mark and Jackson right now. Yugyeom cried rivers next to Mark’s lifeless body.

BamBam asked Jinyoung if he was alright and he shook his head.

 

He stood outside when his former lovers were directed into the back of the cars, hands cuffed behind their backs. A colleague patted his back with congratulation. The promotion was his. A picture flickered through his mind. Jaebum, casually licking an ice cream cone in the blazing sun, laughing in delight as he watched from one of the loungers. Youngjae clinging to Jinyoung’s neck in the swimming pool, screeching in fear when his feet couldn’t find the ground. Cold water splashing around, Jinyoung’s arms around the boy’s waist. Jinyoung’s memory was filled with love.

He failed to find that boy in the man that stared at him with a cold, iron gaze when he finally stopped avoiding to look at Youngjae. As Jaebum walked past him a little too close to be a coincidence, his low voice whispered to him, because he knew Jinyoung’s heart.

“And, baby? Was it worth it?”

 

 

Was it?


	6. Dorm (2jae feels)

“Maybe…“ Jackson suggests carefully, stroking one kitten’s head while another one tramples around on his stomach, „…maybe you need to see someone.“

Jaebum removes his face from another cat’s fur and looks up. “What, like a psychiatrist?” he snarls, probably because he is used to his friends questioning his sanity by now and he makes Jackson cheer internally. It really gives him a perfect opportunity to make fun of him. “Actually!” Jackson speaks up, “I meant you should see someone.” Jaebum rolls his eyes from across the room. “Like in in a date kind of way.” Jackson adds anyways for emphasis, even though Jaebum clearly understood the hint. “But it’s funny that you mention your mental health when I was simply telling you to get your dick wet.”

Jaebum throws one of the cat toys in his direction. The soft mouse-shaped fluff-ball doesn’t hurt when it hits his chest, but the claws do that stomach-sitting-kitty dig into his skin in the attempt to catch it. He wails and Jaebum sneers.

“I don’t want to see someone.” He explains tiredly and puts ten times the emphasis on the word as Jackson did. “You know I don’t do casual fucking.” Yes, he knows that. “Of course I know. I didn’t mean it like that.” He tries to soothe. “You should really date someone. Seriously if you want. I think… Just… like everybody else, you know?” Jackson isn’t daring enough to say what he really wants to say, but it’s hanging in the air and Jaebum, judging by the way his expression becomes even more sour, picks up on it.

“I’m fine!” is all he has to say or yell respectively and he obviously is not. “Hyung you’re burying yourself in cats!” Jackson complains while another one of them attempts to chew on his pinky toe. “You’re clearly lonely.”

Jaebum sulks. Not in a cute, pouty way, but in an annoying, ugly one. “I may sound like I’m making fun of you.” Jackson eventually sits up and the cat falls to his lap “But I’m genuinely worried.”

Jaebum grumbles in response and shrugs. “Don’t be, I’m okay.” Is all he has to say and Jackson wants to punch him. He is not okay and everybody knows it. They’ve had group conversations excluding Jaebum, talking about his current state. Though Jackson might be the only one who knows what’s wrong with him and since he can’t tell anyone, that leaves him in the position to have to try and fix it. The others can’t do anything if they notice something is off and have no clue what. Jackson is a little proud (and he’ll never pretend not to be) that he’s the one Jaebum told. Not Jinyoung or Mark, but him. He’s aware that it wasn’t a conscious decision. That it slipped him while they were having a heartfelt conversation and Jaebum went with the flow.

But still, Jackson thinks he couldn’t have confessed to him, if he didn’t trust him to keep it a secret.

“I think you are dwelling on the past too much, Hyung.” Jackson states confidently. He’s been thinking about this, trying to decipher the hints and figure out the reasoning behind it all. He thinks that he didn’t do too bad, his conclusions sounded logical and mature when he told them to himself in the mirror.

Jaebum’s reaction is all but a scoff. It’s a little discouraging, but Jackson is a fighter. “You have good memories of this place and that’s why you refuse to move out, even though nobody else is here anymore.” He elaborates. It’s been months since their maknae finally packed his things and left. “But it isn’t good for you. This place is way too large for one person, that’s why you stuff it full of cats. Seriously, Hyung, the old cat lady is not just a cliché. You’re lonely and you know it. You need a person in your life, not another cat. But you won’t ever move on if you stick to this rotten shithole. Get out of here, meet someone.” He observes Jaebum, probably unconsciously pulling his snuggle-cat a little closer to his chest, jaw tensing. “It isn’t healthy. You pretend to live in this room with the fancy new bed, but… Hyung, I know there’s a mattress on the floor of your old room.”

 

The shift in atmosphere is sudden and extreme and it has Jackson almost shit his pants in fear.

He was prepared for his speech. He wasn’t prepared for what he could cause with it. To suddenly find himself, arms full of cat, sitting in previously Yugyeom’s room on an unused bed with a crumbling Jaebum right on front of him.

It is frightening to watch his sturdy leader fall apart, face crunching in pain and then witnessing one and another wet tear roll down his cheek. Jackson wishes to turn back the time, take back his words, but it’s too late.

Jaebum answers with a loud, weeping noise. It’s not a soft gasp, not a quiet sob. He shakes as he bursts into tears, violently and sudden. But Jackson has watched it build up, now that he thinks about it. For days now, or maybe weeks, but actually for years. He puts the cats away and moves into Jaebum’s space, crawling over the bed. He helplessly wraps his arms around his shoulders, for once incapable of using his words. He does not know any comforting thing to say. He doesn’t want to apologize right now. It’s probably better to get it out.

“I c-c-c-can’t h-help it, Jackson…” Jaebum stammers. “I love him so much.”

Jackson always thought he knew that. Now he thinks he had no idea. He feels his own chest tighten in pain. Jaebum is always so collected. A glance here and there, a grumpy response concerning another new girlfriend. But never anything severe, never grave. “Fuck.” He mutters under his breath, because it’s the only thing he can think of and Jaebum makes a half-choked chuckling sound.

All these times he chimed in with the others teasing Jaebum, Jackson remembers painfully. About how he’s stuck to the dorm, how he’s too lazy to move, how he’s the second oldest but the only one who’s never had a girlfriend. Called him an old hermit, bound to the ugly, rotting dorm. Called him forever-alone. He did not even stop the other joking about how, if Jaebum can’t land a girl, he should try dating a boy instead. Jackson takes a shaky breath. It was never supposed to be hurtful to anyone and Jaebum had endured it with a laugh and a playful smack.

Jackson wishes suddenly he had never become the one carrying the burden of knowing. He wishes it was Jinyoung, who would probably have been way more helpful. Who could offer solace and advice and would have done a better job at protecting Jaebum from the emotional pain he was going through every day. Jackson bites back the apology sitting on his tongue. “Sorry I was a shitty friend.” He wants to say, but doesn’t. Because it would do nothing to ease Jaebum’s pain, only soothe his own bad conscience and he deserves to suffer now.

“I know, it doesn’t help much right now, but in the long run…” Jackson mumbles when Jaebum finally calmed down and stopped sniffling. “… you really need to get out of this place.”


	7. Know (2jae angstfluffsmut)

 

„Hi, Youngjae.“ He heard an unfamiliar voice and looked up from his book. A man stood in front of his table. A handsome looking one with messy black hair, broad shoulders and a cute smile. His face looked vaguely familiar, but Youngjae was too exhausted to search his mind for a name to match.

“Who are you?” he asked suspiciously, squinting his eyes just a notch. He’d practiced to look intimidating in front of the mirror but had to eventually accept that he wasn’t capable of it. So he had settled with an expression of slight boredom paired with a hint of hostility to ward off people.

It didn’t work. “I’m Jaebum.” The man answered friendly and showed his paper coffee cup, pointing to the name scribbled onto the front. Youngjae frowned mildly and his eyes wandered from the other one’s cup to his own adorned on the table, ‘Youngjae’ written largely and visibly on it. “Uh…” he made uncommitted and watched the man take a sip from his hot drink and place a hand on the back of a chair. “May I?” he asked, hinting the motion of pulling the chair out.

Youngjae thought for a moment. He’d been perfectly relaxed just now and he wasn’t sure he wanted to give that up. “What do you want?” he questioned finally, unwilling to give in to the man’s intentions. He wanted to be left in peace.

“Oh Jesus, I can leave…” The man, Jaebum, answered and while he was raising his hand in playful surrender, he did look hurt. It pulled at Youngjae’s heartstrings and he softened against his will. “I didn’t…” He took a deep breath. “I didn’t say to leave, I asked you what you want.”

Jaebum looked to the left, then up at the ceiling, then to the right. Then he looked back in his eyes and something crawled along the back of Youngjae’s neck and down his spine. “Hit on you.” Jaebum answered with a “Duh” undertone. Youngjae stared back dumbfounded. “Wha…” He found his tongue too twisted to form words.

“I was hitting on you, dummy.” Jaebum repeated with a smirk. It took Youngjae a comically long time to process, but when he finally grasped it, he felt his face warm up gently. To be fair, he was not very experienced with being hit on. As far as he could tell it was a first. “You’re blushing.” Jaebum noted and pulled the chair out. “Which I take as a yes for now.” He slid onto the chair gracefully, placed his bag on the floor and his coffee on the table.

Youngjae made ‘Uh-huh’ and averted his gaze when Jaebum eyed him from the side. “Why though…” he asked, still suspicious, even if intrigued. “Why what?” Jaebum questioned, tilting his head a little. “Why would you hit one me, like…” It sounded strange speaking it out loud and he quieted.

“Uhm…” Jaebum made, sounding a little dumbfounded. “Because… you’re cute?” Youngjae clasped his hands around the corner of the table, making “Ah…” Jaebum’s small laugh was embarrassing. Youngjae felt very stupid and he hated that feeling. “Don’t laugh at me.” He ordered and if he couldn’t give intimidating looks, he could make his voice sound stern at least. Jaebum’s laugh faded. “I’m sorry.” He said, sounding small. “It must be new for you.”

Youngjae’s head whipped around towards him. “What?” The confident man approaching him first was gone. He looked shy now, sounded a little insecure and Youngjae couldn’t shake off the feeling of having seen him before. “Being chatted up by… hum… a guy?” He glanced questioningly at him.   
  
Well… Technically he wasn’t wrong.

“Yeah…” Youngjae nodded, trying to consider it a chance. “But, you do- you like guys in general? Just making sure, because…” Jaebum didn’t finish, but Youngjae nodded. Hell yes, he did. His browser history was pretty clear on that topic. It had been a little confusing at first and a little scary. But he couldn’t deny it for very long. And then came the moment where he first felt regret. Where he found himself musing and speculating about his eventual boyfriend. And where he felt sorry and pitiful to the man. And where he fantasized what he could look like. Tall and handsome and strong arms that would cradle him and soft, warm lips and…

Youngjae interrupted his own thought before they got too steamy and he could get in trouble. “Yes.” He said lowly and Jaebum smiled again and it was even cuter than before with how his eyes creased so funnily.

Youngjae finally closed his book to stow it away and noticed Jaebum eyeing the cover, but he didn’t say anything. Youngjae was grateful for that. He already felt improper as it was.

“So, I already know you like coffee and reading. That’s a good start.” Jaebum apparently attempted some Small Talk. “What else do you like?” Youngjae shifted a little on his seat. It was an innocent question, but it had him tense and worry. It was nice to be asked that, but he was uncertain he could give a sufficient answer.

“Uhm… cats?” He tried and watched Jaebum’s face light up in pure delight. “I love cats.” He gasped and Youngjae almost laughed. Then Jaebum frowned a little. “More than dogs?” He asked and Youngjae thought about it for a moment. “I don’t know.” He eventually answered truthfully. “I just know I like cats.” Jaebum nodded. “I like both, but I like cats more. So… What else?”

He was so genuinely interested, Youngjae’s knees felt wobbly and he was grateful he was sitting down. Jaebum was probably the first person who really tried to get to know him kind of. Some things Youngjae came up on his own and some things they figured out along the way. But to each and every thing Jaebum had a reaction. He always had something to say or to add onto it. And he always told Youngjae what he liked in return.

Youngjae barely noticed how the time passed and he wouldn’t have, if his stomach had not made itself notable. He blushed a little and held his belly. “Well, I guess coffee is not a full meal.” Jaebum beamed and grabbed Youngjae’s empty cup to throw it away. When he came back to the table, he picked up his bag from the ground and Youngjae blinked at him in confusion.

Jaebum gave him a confident look. “Can I invite you for dinner, Youngjae-ah?” Something about his voice or his face or his phrasing had Youngjae shiver, even if he didn’t know what. But he agreed. Picking the restaurant was tough. Neither of them seemed to want to pressure the other into something they didn’t like to eat, so there were no real suggestions in the room. Youngjae stood up eventually and picked one. Jaebum’s eyes were shining over the choice making something in Youngjae stir.

They didn’t just eat, they also had a few drinks and Youngjae felt more comfortable than he had for a really long time. Spending time with Jaebum was fun and didn’t feel like they just met today. The buzzing in his guts wouldn’t stop, but when he developed a slight headache, he asked Jaebum carefully to end the evening.

“Can I walk you home?” Jaebum asked timidly when they stood in front of the restaurant and Youngjae did not even think before nodding. There was a motion that Jaebum broke off in the middle of it, whether conscious or unconscious, Youngjae didn‘t know, but he caught up on it. Without a word he slipped his hand into Jaebum‘s and took big strides into the direction of his home, avoiding to look at him.

They walked in silence and it was so damn comfortable. Youngjae didn’t let go of him when he unlocked his door and pushed it open. Neither did Jaebum hesitate to step over the threshold. Youngjae rubbed his temples while he took off his shoes. Maybe he could pout cutely enough to get Jaebum to make him a tea while he relaxed on the sofa. He turned around and found himself faced with the handsome, broad shouldered man from the coffee shop.

He’d taken off his shoes, but now he froze. In the dim hallways light they stared at one another for a moment. “So, uhm…” Jaebum said eventually. “You’re home safe… Nice place… I’ll uhm…” He gestured wildly. It was cute. Youngjae’s headache evaporated.

“Come in.” He said. Quiet. Then he banged into the wall with a loud thud as Jaebum launched forward and threw himself into his arms. Their lips crashed together in a breathless fever. Youngjae’s arms slung around his shoulders and their bodies fitted into each other like it was the thousand’s time. Youngjae’s eyes shut close, but it was colorful behind his lids. They separated gasping, breathing each other’s air, then their mouths found each other again. Jaebum cradled his head and kissed him gently. Lips soft and warm and a dull throbbing rose behind Youngjae’s forehead.

“I don’t know.” He breathed out and pushed Jaebum away. They stood in front of each other gain, disheveled and hard-breathing. Jaebum’s faced changed from longing to desperate in a time-lapse. He was easy to read. “FUCK” he cursed and kicked the dresser as if it had personally harmed him. “Sorry.” He immediately gasped. He fidgeted, looked at the floor, glanced at Youngjae and looked down again. “I’m sorry,” He repeated and his voice was so broken, Youngjae’s heart tore at the seams. He invaded Jaebum’s personal space and pulled him in for another kiss. Not as heated nor as soft as before. But intimate.

They kissed and Jaebum crowded him backwards, fingers tearing at his clothes without a real motive, just desperate little motions, until he squatted down and hooked his arms behind Youngjae’s thighs, lifting him up and placing him on the dresser. Youngjae gasped, dug his knees into Jaebum’s sides and held onto him for dear life. Only then it got real. Jaebum kissed him with fervor, hands sneaking under his clothes, touching his heated skin, he pressed his body between Youngjae’s legs, their clothed fronts rubbing at one another.

Youngjae shuddered, torn between lust and fear and something else. He broke the kiss with ragged breath. “Let’s do this in the bedroom.” He asked and Jaebum’s movements slowed. Youngjae pressed his face into the side of Jaebum’s neck and whispered at his ear. “It’s my first time.” He could feel the entirety of Jaebum’s body tense, his blunt nails even dug into the small of his back. “Really…” He mumbled distracted and they stumbled towards the bedroom. Youngjae lead.

Clothes flew away, the bed-springs ached, lips found lips and pieces of skin and Youngjae burst into flames under Jaebum’s touch. He was boneless, fell back into the sheets. His thighs spread on their own. Learning through repetition. He shivered under Jaebum’s intense gaze when he nestled between his open legs. Jaebum knew where all the good places where. He touched him just right, kissed him with the perfect amount of pressure. Youngjae was butter in his hands. Jaebum positioned himself between his spread thighs, confident and he leaned down to press his lips to the shell of Youngjae’s ear. And there he whispered “I love you, baby.”

  
  


Youngjae choked and tensed, trying to push back at Jaebum. “No.” He whined, causing Jaebum to halt his motions. “Stop, no… Don’t…” He whimpered breathless and Jaebum’s alarmed face spoke of a million things. “I’m sorry.” He gasped. “I… I’m sorry.”

The fire was out and Jaebum flopped down on the mattress next to him with a desperate cry. Youngjae took many deep breaths, calming his heart and his mind. He had his eyes closed and counted, pushing back the oncoming headache. He made it to 62 when Jaebum spoke again. His voice sounded so small and lost. “I’m sorry… I… It felt right, it was so…” He trailed off into silence. “Familiar?” Youngjae asked, maybe a little bit sarcastic. “Yeah, I felt that.”

He heard Jaebum shift, but didn’t open his eyes, unsure of what he would see if he did. Jaebum? The man from the coffee shop? “I thought you…” “No.” Youngjae sternly cut him off. “I didn’t and I probably won’t.” His eyes opened anyways, involuntary and he found Jaebum propped up onto his elbow next to him, looking at him and he was both people somehow. “Not on a larger scale at least…” He tried to explain. Jaebum’s lips vanished into a thin line. “You’re just… really obvious.” Youngjae scoffed and Jaebum rubbed his face in return. “Oh…” He made and added again. “Sorry.”

It was quiet for another bit of time, but they looked at one another and Youngjae didn’t avert his gaze even though it hurt. “I couldn’t not. Find you.” Jaebum confessed and Youngjae heaved a big sigh. “I guess…” He mumbled and guilt finally broke through the barriers he’d put up. It drowned him and he teared up. His desperate sob seemed to startle Jaebum.

“I’m sorry.” Youngjae whined and turned away to roll onto his stomach and hide in the pillow. “No!” Jaebum yelled and crowded into his space, leaning against his back. “It’s me, I was…”

Youngjae felt his face press between his shoulder blades and then something warm and wet. It was mean. He couldn’t stand Jaebum crying. “Look.” He said, turned back around, getting Jaebum off him. He sat on his knees, pulling Jaebum to sit before him the same way, kind of formal. Except the naked thing.

“I don’t know.” He explained. “If I like cats or dogs more. I like dogs, right? So I’ve been told. But I am someone who hasn’t decided yet. Maybe I will like cats in the future. This is what you get, you understand that?” He studied Jaebum’s face, tears falling freely and he heard his own voice crack up in return. Jaebum nodded numbly and made a choked chuckling sound that was pathetic.

Youngjae tried to calm himself before continuing, but he failed. It was hard to put it in words, but somehow he felt like he owed it to that man, who was a stranger and yet not.

“When I woke in the hospital and I had no idea who I was…” The memories were tearing at his insides painfully as he spoke. “There were _so_ many people… Who told me… Who I was and…” He had to slap Jaebum’s hand away that reached for him and forced himself to keep talking, even though his vision was blurry with tears and his voice was choked and thin. “And how I feel about them.. I am SICK of people telling me how I feel, okay?” Suddenly he couldn’t decipher between sadness and anger anymore, all the emotions overwhelming him to a point he had avoided for as long as he could.

He didn’t push Jaebum away when he leaned in, cradled his face and kissed him through a waterfall of tears. It was so grossly wet, but it was calming nonetheless.

“I am sorry for… asking not to see you.” He apologized when they parted, just enough space between them so he could speak, whispering against his lips. “I couldn’t bear the thought of… I had to go through all of that with my family. A girlfriend or… whatever… It was too much. I couldn’t see another person break down because I didn’t know them and because…” He brought a bit of distance between them, tears finally quieting. “I couldn’t be that person…”

Jaebum just nodded. “I understand.” He answered finally, soft and lovely. “I won’t tell you how you feel. But. I will tell you how _I_ feel.” Youngjae pulled up his nose and nodded that he listened.

“The boy who drinks steaming hot coffee. The boy who reads children’s books. The boy who likes cats.” There was a hint of a smile. “I love that boy already.”

Youngjae hit him. Then he fumbled for his clothes scattered around. “Let’s take it slow, please.” He asked, avoiding to look at Jaebum and see his reaction.

He gave him one shy kiss on the lips when they were back at his door. Dressed proper and only slightly disheveled. “It was nice meeting you, Youngjae.” Jaebum said and he was very brave.

“You, too Jaebum.” Youngjae answered and with a hint of a smile added.

“Thank you for getting to know me.”


	8. Number 1 - 2jae angst

Youngjae knows he fucked up. It’s evident in his posture, his face, his eyes. He knows he fucked up, but he doesn’t back off. He went too far and that’s unique. Youngjae never goes too far, not in this way. Jaebum doesn’t know how to react. He’s stunned beyond words, stunned into silence and he’s not alone. Everything is completely quiet.

Jaebum doesn’t know if it’s good or bad. Doesn’t know why. Why now. He should be glad, something in the back of his head whispers, that now at least he knows. It’s better if he knows, so he can _do_ something, even if he doesn’t know what.

But then again, Youngjae never snaps. He never did before and Jaebum can’t help but wonder what happened. What has been so bad that he lost it. Or –and that thought is worse- how many things Jaebum has missed. How many signs did he not see so that it would come this far.

And he wonders, deep down and yet absolutely apparent.

If it is his fault.

  
  


Jinyoung is brave. He’s calm even if hanging on by a thread. He’s not the kind of person to snap either and Jaebum silently prays that he’ll keep it together.  That he’ll remember. That he’ll be able to see past it.

Jaebum has so many things to worry about, he can’t really think about how Jinyoung’s cheekbone is going to be blue and purple by tomorrow. Bruises heal, he tries to soothe himself, because he knows he should worry about that but he can’t.

He’s too occupied staring into Youngjae’s face, trying to decipher what’s going on, trying to remember what could have lead up to this. Because unless he knows, he can’t show an adequate response.

You should scold him, something in his mind nags at him and, yes, he should. But then there’s another part in him that says he should wrap Youngjae in a fluffy blanket and soothe him and pamper him and hug him tight and _whisper_.

Youngjae needs to be scolded, because he can’t just walk around and _punch_ people. Not slap them, like he usually does when he’s excited or sometimes when he’s playfully upset. He can’t ball his hand into the fist and throw it into Jinyoung’s face out of nowhere so knuckles collide with skull in a painful noise and everybody is left in shock.  
Youngjae can’t do that, no matter how angry he is, but what if he has a reason? No matter the reason, nobody should retort to violence.  
But this is Youngjae after all and Youngjae has a reason and Jaebum is confused.

He’s insecure, because he has to make a decision and it has to be the right decision. The one that is best for everyone. And he won’t be able to do that. The realization seeps in slowly, while he stares at Youngjae’s face, guilty, but fired by a desperate determination. Jaebum knows he’ll go through with it if Jaebum decides to fight.

  
  


Finally, someone moves.  
It’s none of them, a staff member wets a towel and gently presses it to Jinyoung’s bruising cheek.

Jaebum stands up from his seat and holds his hand out in a peaceful manner. “Youngjae. Sweetie.” He speaks as gently as possible. “Come. Let me drive you home.” He wonders if Youngjae was coherent enough to wait for the fan meet to be over before he blew up. Or if it was a coincidence. To his immense luck Youngjae does not resist and his manager hands Jaebum the car keys on their way out.

Youngjae is quiet and calm and obedient as soon as it’s just the two of them. Jaebum thinks his decision was right. Thinks that it’s better this way. It’s better than if Youngjae hides. When he’s alone, instead of getting angry he gets lost. And when he gets lost. Sometimes he goes really far and Jaebum is afraid that one day Youngjae will be so lost, he won’t be able to find him anymore.

  
  


Youngjae thanks him politely when they arrive at his place and Jaebum only has a split second to react. He hisses in pain when the door collides with his foot that he shoves through the crack just in time before Youngjae can slam it shut in his face.

“Not like this, young man.” He scolds sternly, in his best ‘strict parent’ impression. Youngjae doesn’t laugh. His face is dark, his brows knitted. There’s a storm brewing. Maybe him hitting Jinyoung in the face was not the end of something but the beginning.

It’s obvious that Youngjae wants to say something. He makes a few noises, but he swallows them all back down and turns around. He lifts his foot off the ground and before Jaebum can react he lashes out with his foot, kicking the nearest potted plant off its stand and it shatters on the ground. He hears a frightened wincing noise somewhere in a corner and is glad that Coco is smart enough to hide away so she won’t get kicked also.

Youngjae paces. He walks here and there. He kicks at things and punches them and some things break and Jaebum is helpless. Aggression is such a novel emotion for Youngjae and it’s scary, but Jaebum doesn’t want to interrupt it, because if he does, he can imagine Youngjae spiraling downwards instead, falling down a pit Jaebum can’t reach him anymore.

So he stands and stares and waits.

  
  


It was wrong. But he only knows that when it’s too late. He wishes this was a story. Wishes it was a movie where he’ll accidentally make the right decision, where he knows how to do what. But it isn’t and he’s not a superhero and he tries, but he can’t make it right.

Youngjae breaks down in the middle of the living room. What Jaebum tried to avoid happened anyways, maybe worse and he could have stopped him from destroying his interior. He squats down next to him on the hard floor and pulls him into a hug, because this is a place he’s been to before.

Youngjae cries like an infant. Loud and obnoxious and maybe it’s because a little bit he’s just that. And Jaebum pets his hair and rocks him and knows that it doesn’t do anything good. He knows he’s not getting through, but he does it nonetheless.

He makes Youngjae get up. Pulls at him and tells him to come to his feet. He drags him to the bathroom, sits him down on the toilet and carefully begins wiping the Make-up off his face. He wipes tears, too but more follow and Jaebum’s own eyes sting and water.

He’s done this a few times. Brushing out the hairspray, pulling off his sweater. Putting Youngjae into his sleepwear and tucking him into bed. He knows it’s no good. He’s not even sure Youngjae notices what he’s doing.

“Are you gonna tell me what about Jinyoung made you angry?” He asks, fingers threading through Youngjae’s soft dark locks, head resting against the side of his thigh where he’s sitting against the headboard. Youngjae doesn’t answer.

“Jinyoung.” Jaebum says again to lure him out. “Have you seen his face?” He asks, faking a chuckle. “He looked like he’s been struck by lightning.” Youngjae stirs. “Funny.” He grumbles as fake as Jaebum’s amusement. Relief floods his being over the single word. “Thank god, you’re still here.” He mutters and asks himself whether he should’ve not said that.

That’s the thing. He doesn’t know what’s the right thing to say or what isn’t. He doesn’t know how to talk to Youngjae, he doesn’t know how to fix him. He’s not a goddamn magician. If he’s ever honest to himself he’d admit that Youngjae needs professional help, but then he’s fine long enough that Jaebum chases that thought to the back of his mind.

Youngjae snorts. “What for?” He asks, sarcastic enough to prove that he’s present. Maybe, Jaebum thinks as he remembers how long it has taken before to get to the point where Youngjae becomes spiteful, maybe punching isn’t so bad after all. Though, he doesn’t want to risk being so lenient with Youngjae that he can do whatever he pleases and blame it on his illness. If it is one. Jaebum isn’t a fucking psychiatrist.

  
  


“Why Jinyoung?” Jaebum asks, ignoring the previous question. “I hate him.” Youngjae simply states, wrapping cold, hard fingers neatly around his heart and pressing down. Not enough to crush it, but enough to hurt. Jaebum swallows thickly.

“Why?” He croaks quietly, soundless. He knows he shouldn’t press too much. He knows he can deal damage beyond repair if he handles this poorly, but in the past Youngjae’s dislike was usually directed towards “them” or “everyone”.

Youngjae sits up abruptly and Jaebum regrets the loss of warmth against his thigh, even though his pants are damp with late-spilled tears. Youngjae’s eyes have time to narrow for a little, having Jaebum’s heart miss a beat in fear of the returning anger. But he gets rescued by a cute little whimper and scratching and scuttling and a fluffy white fur ball springing onto the bed and nuzzling its wet nose against Youngjae’s hand. His posture relaxes, the knittings on his face ease.

“I’m sorry.” Youngjae mumbles and even though he doesn’t really make it clear if it’s directed towards him or Coco, Jaebum accepts the apology.

Jaebum takes the time Coco gave him to search his brain for an explanation. Eventually he speaks up, carefully.

“Does Jinyoung have something that you don’t?” He asks gently and witnesses a small nod, even though Youngjae doesn’t look up from where he’s petting Coco. The dog is the best thing that ever happened.

“Something you want?” Jaebum does his best to keep his voice soft and warm, not show the anxiety he feels. This time he gets more of a shrug than a nod. Poorly phrased.

“Something… he doesn’t deserve?” Youngjae twitches. “You deserve it more, don’t you?” He concludes to his own surprise. “’course I do.” Youngjae mumbles, gradually returning. Jaebum rummages through the last couple of weeks. He told himself over and over again that he will not let Youngjae’s condition influence his decisions concerning matters of the group and their music. If it is about that again?

“It was mine.” Youngjae explains before he can come to a conclusion. “The show, it was mine. It was the one thing I had and he _takes_ it!!!” His dangerous voice has Coco jump off the bed and cower in fear. Something within Jaebum clicks. A faint memory of a beaming Youngjae years ago, relishing in praise. And a recent one, supposedly unimportant. A memory of how Youngjae was ‘sick’ when they had planned to watch the second episode of King of Masked singer together.

“He gets everything.” Youngjae spits and Jaebum notices that he will probably rile himself up enough to spill everything he kept inside. He braces for it, because he knows that there’s going to be a lot of bullshit in between. Because Youngjae will exaggerate to the point of ridicule, but he also knows that it is real when it feels real for Youngjae.

“He’s the actor already.” Youngjae turns towards him to look at him while he speaks, as if he needed to search for confirmation. “Why does he have to have everything?! It’s not fair. He can be in a drama and I am on the show and it’s NOT FAIR. I was on it and now he gets to be, but it was mine. I was there first!” He says it as if Jaebum didn’t know. “I’m never first.” Youngjae repeats that so often, the word ‘first’ gets stuck in Jaebum’s mind. “I never get to be first. I never get to be it. But he, he goes anywhere and gets to be in everything! It’s not fair Hyung!”

Jaebum sees the tears dwell up again, Youngjae’s eyes glassy and his nose runny. “I’m not first in the group. I’m not first in the family. I am nobody’s first choice, Hyung.” He grabs the blanket and throws it off the bed in such a childlike manner, Jaebum is startled for a moment. “He’s the first in handsome and the first in talent and the first in acting and in singing…. He gets to sing all the good parts and there’s never me who’s first, really!” Youngjae follows up with his whiny voice and Jaebum concentrates to not put it off because of that. Youngjae sometimes babbles, but there’s _some_ thing and Jaebum knows it, he just has to find it. Peel off the layers and find the real threat.

“I’m always just _there_. Always behind. Always just one of the others. Never the one. I’m just…  >>Oh and also, Youngjae.<<” It’s the part where he loses it. His voice breaks, he sobs. A tear rolls down Jaebum’s cheek, because he imagines the pain he must feel and it hurts almost physically. He knows it’s pointless, but he says it anyways. “It’s not true. You’re important…” Youngjae cuts him off, rudely shouting “Shut UP!”

He pulls up his nose and narrows his eyes. “This isn’t something you can talk away!” He spits. “This is facts. I always get what’s left over; I always AM what’s left over. Find something I’ve ever won, something I’ve ever been first in. There’s none. You can’t put this off as me just making it up, just feeling this way, because I can prove it.” His tears stop for a moment, but he’s visibly distressed. “Everyone has favorites I am noone’s!” He states matter-of-factly. “I am nobody’s first choice.” He says again, voice wavering. “I’m not _your_ first choice.”

  
  


And over the pain in his voice and his hazel eyes brimming with tears and his quivering lips, swollen from crying Jaebum understands.

He thinks he can see in slow motion in his head how Jinyoung takes a blow to the face the very moment he leans in to giggly press a wet kiss to his cheek. Youngjae’s anxiety and insecurity is nothing new. It’s what pulls him down an endless hole of fear and depression that Jaebum doesn’t know how to cure.

But the anger. The anger is new and it’s burning and it’s triggered by something that Youngjae didn’t feel before. He’s feeling inappropriate, yes, but he also demands. He demands to be taken seriously. Demands to get whatever he feels he’s not getting.

And Jaebum thinks this is so much easier to deal with. A feeling so basic, so easy to understand.

Jealousy.

  
  


“You’re my number one.” He answers and leans in to brush his lips over Youngjae’s wet cheek.

“Prove it.” Youngjae chokes.

He’s very certain he will regret the consequences, but right now all he can think about is to finally make Youngjae feel better. Even if only this once.

He cradles his head and closes his eyes and their lips find each other in a tender kiss.


	9. Babe - 2jae crack

Jaebum is staring at the teacher with blank eyes. He can’t follow the lesson, even if he tried. He doesn’t find it to be particularly important anyways. He ponders if he should just leave. Just get up and out of the class.

Just as he’s contemplating, he catches a motion in the corner of his eye. He averts his eyes from the front of the classroom and looks over to Youngjae. He smiles, looking pretty as ever and leans forward onto his elbows. He props his head on his hand and thoughtfully taps his index finger against his bottom lip. Jaebum swallows. A devilish smirk spreads on Youngjae’s face as he sends him a glance from the side.

Jaebum wants to look away, dreading where this is going, but he can’t. Youngjae keeps playing with his pouty bottom lip, innocently looking forward. Jaebum can’t even fathom how quickly his pants tighten. He wonders if he can hold out until class is over, so he can sneak away into a broom closet. Except Youngjae doesn’t want him to. He presses the pad of his finger between his lips and very, very slowly it vanishes between them.

Jaebum doesn’t even have it in him to check if someone is looking, staring at Youngjae like he’s in trance, unable to look away. Because Youngjae pulls his finger back out of his mouth, just to stick it deeper once more. Jaebum’s hands press down on his hardening crotch under the table, unbeknownst to him. When Youngjae finally removes his finger from the wet heaven that is his mouth, it pulls along a filthy string of saliva and eventually his face turns, just a tiny bit, just so his eyes can catch Jaebum’s and he thinks he swears under his breath.

Youngjae is the devil, the way he darts out his delicious pink tongue and lick up all the excess spit, winding it around the whole length of his finger and then lapping at the tip. Jaebum presses down harder, but his erection keeps growing inside his underwear and he just can’t help it.

Youngjae mouthes words. He can’t hear them, but he sees his lips move and he understands. He nods.

In the swiftest of motions Youngjae slips off his chair and under the table, completely soundless. Jaebum shudders. When he scoots back and spreads his legs, removing his hands from his lap, Youngjae looks up at him expectantly. Jaebum never undid his pants this fast, freeing his aching cock. Youngjae opens his mouth wide, tongue sticking out and he can’t wait to feel this delicious wet heat as he moves forward, guiding his length to place against his tongue.

But Youngjae backs away. Innocent, but devilish.  Jaebum tries again, but he fails miserably to aid his erection between Youngjae’s lips. He groans in frustration, so hard and needy is he and he’s freaking out. The salvation so near, but… He might be cursing.

School is over and Youngjae is long gone. Jaebum is sweating. His body is hot all over and his cock painfully hard when he awakes, tangled in his sheets.

  
  


His pants are loud in the quiet of the night. He blinks a few times into the darkness. Then he rolls over and wraps an arm around the sleeping figure next to him.

“Babe.” He whispers. “Wake up, Babe. I had a dream.”

Youngjae grumbles in response, burying further into the blanket.

„Babe.“ Jaebum repeats urgently, scooting closer to rub his straining erection against his lover‘s back. He‘s 30 and never went to school with Youngjae, but when your boyfriend is the hottest thing in existence, what does it even matter?

„Babe.“  He insists. „Do something about it.“


	10. Play - 2jae Dirty Talk

„Hey gorgeous.“ A low, flirty voice says from behind and he turns around on his barstool. “May I?” the handsome owner of said voice asks and without waiting for an answer pulls the next stool out from under the counter to place his butt on it with a dark smile. He doesn’t answer. He looks over the newcomer, evaluating his appearance head to toe. Clad entirely in black, wearing a tank top and leather boots, he apparently tried extra hard to look like a total Bad Body. His dark brown hair is messily swiped back, a little too long to look dangerous. There’s a single tidy Tattoo on each bare shoulder, but his cheeks are round and his eyes are soft and sparkly.

Though, what really catches his attention are the broad shoulders and thick arms. The muscles adorning the expanse of his upper limbs are so toned, they look strong enough to take him apart in the air. He shudders a tiny little bit in excitement.

“Whatever he’s having.” The guy says, not to him but the bartender with a wave of his hand and after a moment and a glance adds. “And another one.” He’s apparently trying really hard. After just a glance one could think he’s cool or badass. He tries not to look more closely. He wraps his lips around the straw of his Longdrink, finishing the half-emptied glass in just a few swigs while staring back at his admirer who observes him, looking a little startled.

“Thank you.” Jaebum eventually says when he accepts his fresh drink and takes another sip. The guy copies him and pulls a face immediately. “Ugh…” He makes, sets the glass down and orders a beer. Jaebum laughs. “That’s gross.” The man says with a frown. “How can you drink something that ridiculously sweet?” He shrugs with a giggle. “Birds of a feather flock together.”

The frown deepens. “What?” Jaebum hides his eyes behind his palm for a moment and takes a breath. “It suits me.” He explains. “Because I’m sweet.” He’s not sure, but he thinks he sees the hint of a blush on the other’s face and he tries really hard not to coo at it. “And you suck at flirting.” He adds. “Like, real hard.”

The guy hums. “Yeah that’s one of the things I’m good at.” He looks a lot happier drinking his beer and it’s Jaebum’s turn to frown. “What?” He asks, mirroring the other’s previous confusion perfectly. The guy glances at him from over his glass. “Suck real hard.” He states and it’s followed by a vicious smirk. Jaebum chokes on his drink as a hot shiver runs down his back, a flash of excitement ending behind the fly of his jeans. It’s fucking embarrassing. A crappy line like that shouldn’t excite him. The stranger’s mouth opens in an obnoxious laugh. Loud and thunderous, catching the attention of a bunch of other patrons. Jaebum is certain he blushes in embarrassment, trying not to take notice of the people staring in their direction.

“God.” He mutters. “That was so…” He doesn’t finish, but something burns in his guts when the handsome man looks at him with a beaming grin. It’s cute and cheerful and doesn’t fit with his attempted look. And yet, Jaebum thinks he might see something dangerous glint behind the sunshine. He calms his nerves by swallowing more of his drink. He’s drinking too fast, he knows that, but he also knows that when he’s drunk he will be able to let himself fall.

“I don’t get the point of flirting.” The guy says with his nose crunched up in unpleasantness. “I walked over because you’re the hottest package in here. And you know that.” Jaebum knows that, but the blunt statement has him squirm in his seat nonetheless. “And I know that you know that, so…” The guy pouts and it’s adorable. “Why do I have to try and woo you into sleeping with me?” He looks at him from the side, so perfectly innocent and so, so bad. “Nonsensical words…” He adds and leans forward. His face gets very close, Jaebum’s fingers cramp around his glass.

“Let me show you what better things I can do with my mouth.”

It’s quiet. Jaebum’s jaw tenses, eyes stare blindly behind the bar. Then he hears a shaky breath at his ear and the guy finally backs off. “That… I’m sorry.” He mumbles, “That was awful, I… Sorry.” Jaebum doesn’t trust himself enough to unclench his jaw, pretty certain he’ll burst into laughter right away. He takes a few calming breaths, before he allows their eyes to meet.

The guy looks discouraged, but Jaebum admires his persistence as he doesn’t just stay in his seat but even looks back at him. He picks his barely-touched drink up from the counter and places it between Jaebum’s fingers, who just now notices that his own is empty again. “Give me another chance.” He says and it’s not a question or a plea. The slight commanding undertone has the tingle return to Jaebum’s scalp and he nods dumbly.

He picks up his beer and offers Jaebum a toast. Their glasses clank and he’s sipping again. “This is stupid.” He sighs and it could be interpreted as resignation, if Jaebum couldn’t feel his hand land on his thigh. He tenses and pushes it off without hesitation. Hhheeeell no!

“Will you stop playing hard to get now?” The guy asks irritated. Jaebum facepalms with his elbow on the counter. “The difficulty setting is on easy already. You really have no talent at all.” He looks up and witnesses an adorable pout. “Fine.” Youngjae says. “You think I’m not worth it. I’ll go home now.” Jaebum sighs. “You can stay here flaunting your feathers and waiting for something better come along.” Youngjae snipes. “Or you can come with me while I’m still in the mood.” Jaebum raises a brow. Boy, that escalated quickly.

The guy hops down from his chair, but he gives it one last try. As he slips past him he turns around, leaning in to his ear and purposefully placing a hand against the bar, caging him with his big arm. “Look, slut. I know what you need. These arms can take you apart in the air, piece by piece by piece. If you stop being a little bitch that is.”

Jaebum might be shuddering. That’s more like it. Hot breath ghosts over his neck. “And who knows…” The raw voice continues. “If you’re a good boy, you might even gonna get that cock you’re drooling for.”

He pushes himself off the counter, slaps a few bills on top and flings around to stalk out of the bar. Jaebum downs the rest of his drink with shaky hands and stumbles after him. He tears the taxi door open before it can take off and jumps onto the backseat. “You’re such a hoe.” Youngjae chuckles darkly. And he’s fucking right.

It’s hours later when a delirious Jaebum clings tightly to his boyfriend’s damp body that Youngjae finally admits. “This role-play stuff is stupid… Let’s not do that again.” Jaebum is barely capable of coherent words, but he just so mumbles “I liked it.” Youngjae stays adamant. “If you got an itch that needs a scratching just give me a cue that it’s about time to force you into submission. I’m not gonna play mysterious hot stranger again.” Jaebum hums. That’s okay.


	11. Tell - 2jae Angst/MiniSmut

When Youngjae says „Get me my phone.” Jaebum can scoff. He can say “Get up yourself you lazy fuck.” He can throw a pillow in his face. When Youngjae says “Pay for my dinner.” Jaebum can huff in annoyance. He can say “You got enough money yourself you cheap fuck.” He can pull his wallet out of Youngjae’s reach.

When Youngjae says “Fuck me.” Jaebum can oblige. He can’t say anything. He can’t resist. It’s arguable if it is in the words or the way he says them. Doesn’t pout, doesn’t get whiny, doesn’t act cute to get his way with Jaebum. It’s clean and sober the way he says those words. Those or a variation of that. “Kiss me.” Youngjae says and Jaebum knows he’s drunk, knows it’s wrong but he does it anyway. He leans in to where Youngjae sits on the edge of his bed and kisses the living shit out of him.

“Touch me.” Youngjae says and Jaebum’s hands find their way around his body without second thought, exploring every little detail even though he knows it inside and out, feeling soft hairs and softer skin and muscles that won’t stop growing and make Youngjae more gorgeous day by day. “Tell me.” Youngjae says, breath ragged from Jaebum’s roaming fingers and prodding tongue. Jaebum tells him. He lost count how many times he did, but he will do it again and again as long as Youngjae keeps asking.

He tells him between moans and whispers. Tells in between biting bruises to his neck and sucking on his nipples. He tells while he’s fingering him open and while settling between his thighs. He tells him, staring down into his dark, hooded eyes and he tells when the bedside lamp is off and he can’t make out his face. He speaks against his skin and lips and into the room.

He tells when he rocks his hips against Youngjae’s bottom and listens to his pleasured noises. When he thrusts and thrusts and hoists his legs over his shoulders bending him in half. And he doesn’t stop telling when Youngjae’s moans become the lewdest, when he tenses and flexes and whines. He tells him, whispering, when he fucks him through his orgasm, hard and deep and comes inside him, intimate and obscene.

Even then he tells him, when he wraps him in his arms and presses butterfly kisses to his face. He tells him through a veil of tears or even, sleepy breathing. He does. Until Youngjae tells him to stop. He stays quiet then and kicks him in the shin for asking to bring him breakfast.

When Youngjae says “Hi honey.” Jaebum swallows the lump in his throat and smiles at her. He can say ‘It’s good to see her’ and ‘Have a nice day’. He can’t tell her. He wants to, but Youngjae says “Don’t tell.” And he doesn’t.

But secretly, when he watches their retreating backs or the door fall close, he tells it, as many times as he wants even though nobody hears.

“I love you, Youngjae.”


	12. Human - 2jae Fantasy ouch

Youngjae likes the tunnel. It is not his. It can not grow, it does not whisper. It is a formation of stones that is beyond what he himself can accomplish. It goes under the mountain many steps long and it is darker than under a roof of trees. Youngjae can walk over the mountain, but he likes going through the tunnel. He likes how his steps echo from the walls. He likes how it gets darker and darker until suddenly the sun peeks in from the end. It is his favorite moment of the journey.

The tunnel has not always been here. It is not part of the mountain, but now it is. Now, living things have come to stay under the shadows. Plants and animals that like darkness and they don’t care who made it.

Youngjae did not make it.

The stones are cleanly cut and smoothly polished. And in the middle of the path there are iron lines. Youngjae likes to follow them. For a short period of time, large stinking orcs would roll through the tunnel, fill it with noise and scare the animals. But they are gone now.

Darkness does not bother Youngjae. His eyes see through night, fog, tree and earth. He bends down when he sees a furry creature on the ground. Too bright and too big for this dark place and it is almost lifeless.

He picks it up and studies it. It is not an animal that he knows and it does not breathe. There’s barely a hint of life surrounding it. Like the lingering touch of a breathing animal. It is soft und furry and dirty. He rubs the dust and dirt off and takes it with him.

As he keeps walking his feet begin to tickle. The feeling is strange to him, but he does not dislike it. He keeps walking, buries his toes into the ground and giggles. He smells the fresh air and knows the end of the tunnel is not far. He sniffles.  
There is something else in the air. Something with a scent that is as foreign and familiar as the tunnel itself. He stops and listens. He can hear shuffling at the end of the tunnel, where the sunlight is blazing. And he can hear breathing, loud and deep enough, it must come from an animal the size of a deer. But it is not a deer.

Youngjae walks. The animal does not scare him, but he’s curious. If it breathes and lives and has a heart that beats it can not harm him.

Suddenly there is a ray of light. He is past the point where it is the darkest and his beloved sun shines in through the opening in the side of the mountain. Joy fills his heart over the sunrise that can happen in the middle of day only here, under the mountain.

His steps get faster, but they are no less light, if they can even be called steps. The moss brushes along his feet and tiny rocks prick into the soles.

The farther he goes, the louder the breathing becomes, the stronger the scent.

  
  


The opening comes closer, the light brighter and finally Youngjae walks out the shadows and sunlight surrounds him and fills him until he shines as bright as the sun itself.

“Hello.” Youngjae says and he smiles over the funny language as he finds the animal cowering against the mountain side right next to the entrance of the tunnel.

The animal has four legs but stands on two like a bear and its fur is as colorful as a flower. Its nose is short, but its heart it big. “H…h…hello.” The animal answers and it makes a motion with its front body, as if it planned to go back down onto four legs for a moment. Youngjae copies it, even though he’s wondering if it is part of the animal’s language.

“What are you?!” The animal asks and Youngjae feels its excitement and distress. He likes it already. Youngjae loves welcoming new animals to his forest.

“What am I?” Youngjae repeats and still finds the language both funny and beautiful. “What are you?” The animal is still for a moment. Then it yells “Youngjae!” excitedly and Youngjae wonders why he cannot understand what that means.

“You found him!” the animal’s fur-less face colors a soft pink and Youngjae is smitten by the beauty of that. “Have I?” he asks and then the animal uses one of its legs that it is not standing on, to point it to his side.

Youngjae looks at his hand and finds the bright little animal he found in the tunnel and now he thinks that it might be alive after all the way it shines in the sun. “Is it your friend?” Youngjae asks and carefully hands the animal over.

“Uhm…” its face gets even pinker as it holds the little one to its chest, “Yes… yes I think he is my friend…”

Youngjae reaches his hand out and softly pets the little one’s head. “I believed it was dead.” He voices his thoughts. “Ah… uhm… well… it is just… it’s just a teddy bear…”

Youngjae weighs his head left and right, contemplating the words. “That is not a bear.” He concludes finally. “Of course not, I mean… it’s just a toy and… What _are_ you??”

It has been a while since Youngjae witnessed an animal to be so afraid of him and at the same time be so awed by looking at him. “I am what I am and what you see and what you want to see.” He states in response. “What animal are _you_? I should know, but I do not as not even I know all in the world.”

“I… I am a person. I’m Jaebum.” The animal answers and Youngjae ponders over the name for so long the animal keeps speaking. “What is your name?”  
“Youngjae.” He smiles.

“Wha….. Like my bear?” The animal shuffles and holds the little bear that is not a bear closer. “Maybe.” Youngjae answers. “That was your choice. My name is, what you name me and you named me, so that is my name for you.”

The animal is confused, but it keeps asking and Youngjae is delighted by its curiosity. “You’re not a human, are you? You look like one, but then you don’t…”

  
  


Youngjae knows humankind, but then he does not really. “I certainly am not, but I might look like one for you if you look like a human.” “Of course I do, I am one.” The human animal answers. Youngjae weighs his head again. He finds that very plausible. He knew humankind, when they lived, but he never understood them like he understands all the other animals. They never lived in his forest and he never said hello to them when they came to visit, because he never knew how to speak to them.

Sometimes they left beautiful things behind that he admired and sometimes they left behind devastation like only the ancient ones can when they are full of rage.

“I believed humankind is gone.  Like some animals go and never come back.” He tells the human and got very used to the funny language and now he finds it wonderful how many nuanced thoughts he can voice in it.

“Well…” The human says and Youngjae can feel the sadness that only comes with death of beloved ones. “Pretty much so, I guess… There aren’t many of us left… We were destined to destroy ourselves, I suppose….”

Youngjae thinks and while he’s thinking he makes a sound like a bee and suddenly he has to laugh about that. And he is delighted at the never-ending surprises of this wonderful language.

“Then when I say I believed that humans live in groups, that would be right?” he wants to know. He thinks he might have seen humans from afar, but he cannot remember what they look like. He thinks they might have been riding the orcs through the tunnel, but there was never just _one_. The human makes a gesture with its head and somehow Youngjae knows it means yes. “I… I was with my sister, but now she is gone, too…” Youngjae feels the pain and it is greater than the pain he felt before. Greater than the mama deer losing her young. Greater than the oak withering away under the pressure of fungi. It is very deep and very solid.

  
  


“I uhm… I am alone now, dunno where other people are… just… what about you?” The pain fades a little with the distraction. “I live alone.” Youngjae answers, “But I am not alone. My company are all the living things, all the animals and all the trees and every leaf and the whispers of the wind and warmth of the sun and the mountain, too.”

“That… sounds like some deep fairytale talk.” The human mumbles. “But all the animals aside, what about others like… like you? Like, your species? I still do not know what you even are, a fairy? An elf? A forest ghost?” Youngjae smiles. “You’re not afraid of me anymore.” He notes and the human lifts and flops its shoulders. “It doesn’t feel like you’re going to hurt me and… uh, well…” Youngjae has a strange feeling that he didn’t feel in a while. Like the human has a thought that he doesn’t want to communicate. Animals don’t do that, he thinks and that makes the human a lot more like himself than other animals. He faintly remembers a time when he would speak to others of his kind and it felt very much like this conversation, but now that has been such a long time ago, he almost forgot it ever happened.

“Please speak your mind.” He asks and the human crosses his arms before his chest. “No, you first. I’ve asked you what you are for like a million times already. I won’t say it before you don’t.” Youngjae thinks that the human is an adult already, even though it’s hard to tell, but this behavior seems very childish and it is endearing. He laughs. “Okay. I am. I don’t know what I am or what name your language has for me. Every single living creature gives me their own name, except myself. I exist and you decide who I am.”

He does not want to disturb as the human seems to be thinking. “So….” He finally decides. “Your name is Youngjae because that is the name I have been thinking of when we met?” “Not when we met.” Youngjae answers. “But when you first thought of me. My name was Youngjae when I set a foot into the tunnel.”

The human looks back with his mouth open. “I thought… I was sad I lost him… He was my sister’s bear you know? And I wanted to go back into the tunnel to find him, but I heard steps so I didn’t dare to go into the darkness…” He tightly closes his arms around the bear. “Or are you lying to me?”

Youngjae smiles. “I cannot remember how lying works.” He admits. “It’s been a long time since I’ve spoken to one of my kind. We’re few and we’re far apart and I never leave my forest. And animals do not lie. I promise I did not lie. Youngjae is my name as long as I am on your mind.”

“So there are others like you?!” The human exclaims. “Are you like… immortal?” Youngjae copies the motion of raising and dropping his shoulders. “I don’t know.” He admits. It feels strangely wonderful to be asked such challenging questions. He regrets not to have befriended humankind when they were plenty and powerful. He can find so much joy in the conversation.

“Then… when… when… you never talk to, like, your family or something…” The human rubs his toes through the dirt. “Aren’t you lonely?” Youngjae would have said ‘No’ 300 heartbeats ago, but now he is not so sure anymore. “I am lonely you know…” And Youngjae can feel it. It is like a veil has been lifted that has shielded the human’s feelings away. But now he can feel him. Understand him. And he is wondering slightly how he could have missed it before.

“I know.” He answers finally and they look at each other. “You feel a lot of pain, human…”  
The human shakes his head. “Jaebum.” He says and Youngjae remembers him saying that before. “Well, Jaebum. It is my purpose and my duty to keep you company for the time being. Until you find yourself a human or wither.” And Youngjae reaches out his hand in an offering for Jaebum to take it.

“Your duty, huh?” He asks quietly and hesitatingly lifts his arm to take the offered hand. Youngjae feels a warmth in his body that he never felt before. Maybe due to the fact that he barely has a body in the first place. But now he feels very solid. “And my wish.” He adds when their fingers meet and curl around one another familiarly, as if Youngjae has done it before.  
Jaebum moves in closer, hand gripping tightly while he murmurs quietly, showing a change in his voice that Youngjae cannot decipher yet. “You’re warm.” It sounds like he is surprised. “I kind of thought you would be cold… and hard like stone…”

The look at each other’s faces. “Yes.” Youngjae nods. “I thought that, too.”  
And while they look and hold and breathe Youngjae feels a mix of emotions that he does not know and he can not even say if they’re the human’s or his own.

“Come to my house.” Youngjae offers “And let me take care of you.” Jaebum makes a breathless sound. Youngjae wants to be able to decipher it. Decipher all the little gestures and sounds and words that he can not understand yet. He wants to learn them and speak them. “I have not taken care of a human before. But I will learn.” He offers and Jaebum nods. “Okay.” He whispers and Youngjae turns around and tugs at his hand gently.

There is resistance for a moment and when he looks back he finds Jaebum holding the tiny animal’s ear with his teeth and pick up a bag from the ground, throwing it over his shoulder.

Youngjae offers his other hand and Jaebum slowly places Youngjae the not-a-bear-bear in it.

Then Youngjae turns forward and begins walking with swift steps. And they really are steps. Dry  leaves crumble under his feet, he sinks into the dirt below his toes. And he does not need to wonder how Jaebum could hear him walk through the tunnel earlier.

Jaebum is not as secure in his steps and Youngjae slows down until he can catch up and walk next to him. His hand is tightly closed around Youngjae’s and neither of them seem to have the intention to let go while they walk.

“I did not expect you to even have a house…” Jaebum mumbles and it is just so perfectly strange and innocent, it makes Youngjae laugh. “Do you even eat or sleep?” He keeps inquiring and Youngjae looks at him when he nods. “I do, in fact, I probably sleep a lot more than you.”

They walk quietly for a while and Youngjae likes it. He’s used to quiet when he walks alone, listening to the forest and the air. Jaebum seems to like talking a lot. Which is understandable when he has such a wonderfully expressionistic language. Humans must be able to speak for weeks and not repeat themselves once. “Can you show me a magic trick?” He asks and Youngjae’s eyes study him in lack of  understanding.

“Like…” Jaebum’s free hand waves through the air and it does not really seem to have any purpose. “You’re a fairy or something, can you do magic? Like… fly? Or turn into a squirrel? Or become invisible?” Youngjae thinks but eventually has to admit. “I don’t know… Maybe?”

“You’re so strange…” Jaebum says quietly, but he looks awed about it. “Maybe you’re just a lunatic hermit… And I am walking into your trap.” Youngjae laughs again. He can’t remember when he’s laughed like that. “But you don’t really think that.” He figures and Jaebum agrees. “I don’t …” Jaebum’s hand grips him a little tighter. “I love your laugh.” Jaebum is very thoughtful and yet very impulsive. Youngjae finds it to be irritating and delightful. “I love that you make me laugh.” He answers and his heart fills with something he can not explain.

“I was just wondering if you…” Jaebum slows down, his steps are heavy. “If you are laughing _because_ I like it…?” Youngjae hums. “I don’t understand.” He has not thought about that. “Uh, well…” Jaebum attempts to explain, “You  said before that— you end up being the way… I want you to be? Like your name being what I think about and stuff? And you offer me company when it’s what I need most and… gosh your smile is so pretty.” Youngjae cannot remember if he ever found something so pretty he had to look away, because that’s what Jaebum does.

“I don’t do it on purpose.” He says to soothe him.  “And thank you. I find you to be very pretty as well.” There’s a sound coming from Jaebum that he can still not decipher.

“It’s just because…”he eyes him from the side but when Youngjae turns his head to look back at him, Jaebum quickly averts his gaze. “You look like the boy I’ve had a crush on in High school…”

They walk quietly for a while until Youngjae finally confesses. “I have no idea what that means.” There’s something like a noise of pain coming from Jaebum. “Whatever… uhm… just forget it.” Youngjae turns his head towards him. “I am supposed to erase my memory, because you don’t like to explain it?” He wants to know curiously. It must be very complicated.

Jaebum stops walking and so does Youngjae when he tugs on his hand. “You’re not going to leave me alone, right?” He asks, hand closing tightly. There’s something akin to fear in his heart, but there’s something else, too. Youngjae promises. “A crush means…” Jaebum speaks slowly and Youngjae listens with intent. “… that I wanted to date him. I mean… kiss and hold him and… be together… Oh god, this is so creepy. But you’re so gorgeous, I can’t help myself…”

The way he speaks is endearing. A lot like the first hello he said and Youngjae notices that they had already made so much progress in getting to know  each other.

“But isn’t that good?” He inquires. “I said I’d take care of you and help you not be lonely. All social animals need physical affection and I’m there for them when they would be alone otherwise. That’s why I look like you for you. So you’ll feel comfortable.”

“Ugh.” Jaebum makes and starts walking again, pulling him along. “That’s very convenient.” Youngjae agrees to that. “So that’s like, your purpose, huh?” Jaebum asks as they walk. Youngjae ponders for a moment. “I think so, yes.”

“I envy you.” Jaebum’s voice is very soft and quiet. Humans have all these words and sounds and yet they still don’t fail to communicate with their body and their face and their tone. The broad variety fills Youngjae’s heart with a joy he hasn’t known in a long time, if ever.

“I wish I knew mine.”

  
  


  
  


Many, many seasons later Youngjae believes that Jaebum’s purpose was to show him his world. If Youngjae thought, he was going to comfort the lost animal, Jaebum brought him so much light and warmth and thoughts.

He feels a happiness that overshadows everything he ever felt before. He learns and learns and never stops. He learns to laugh and feels. And he learns to love.

He doesn’t know that for a long time. They smile and eat and wake and sleep together. And speak. Youngjae learns why Jaebum’s emotions were so confusing about hugging and about kissing. He thought he knew what a kiss was until Jaebum showed him how humans do it. He feels things he never did. Things he never knew existed.

His heart opens and all the emotions are no longer just Jaebum’s. They’re his own. They fit together or they contrast each other, but either way they’re always fulfilling.

And they live. And for the first time in an eternity, Youngjae actually feels it. How his heart beats and his skin tingles and his eyelids blink and his feet move.

They live off each other and for each other and Youngjae learns, with a cold finality. What time is.

Every new day is not just a new day. It comes and it passes. And once it passed it never comes back. It never repeats itself, it moves. And it only moves forward.

And what Youngjae always thought he’d known by heart, suddenly tears him apart. When Jaebum is no longer the lively little animal full of energy and light. When he sits at his side and spends comforting warmth, Jaebum’s fingers stiff and crinkled. Youngjae counts backwards in his mind. Heartbeat by heartbeat by heartbeat.

And in his last moments before the unavoidable happens Jaebum still teaches him something new. Something he felt many a time in his life but that he never felt from within himself. It is not anybody else’s pain. It is his own.

He says goodbye, but it does not help. He sends him off to where he sends all the living things when their time is up. But it does not soothe his aching heart.

He counts. Three and two and one.

  
  


And then the animal is gone and never returns.

  
  


The tunnel is sealed. The mountain churned and broke it down and swallowed it in its depths.  
And Youngjae never takes that path again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of these days I am gonna write something actual.


	13. Benefits - 2jae are Jinyoung's suffering

Jinyoung wasn’t prepared for the sight that awaited him when he pushed the door open without a second thought. He was busily staring down at his phone. “Would you want pizza or chinese?” He asked before looking up from the food-delivery app and scanning the room.

He froze solid on the spot when his eyes found the bed. There, on the blanket, with a Hollywood-worthy deer-in-the-headlights expression lay a boy. A very, very naked boy. He was spread out on the covers, slender legs parted, one hand dangerously close to his boy-parts placed on his stomach and head facing the door.

Jinyoung could only imagine the sultry look he would have put on his face when they door opens. Except, well. Jinyoung probably wasn’t the right person to come through. It took the guy a comically long time to finally scramble up into a sitting position and pull the blanket over his exposed lower body. Jinyoung probably should have turned around immediately and thrown the door shut, but something kept him glued to the ground.

Maybe it was the lingering picture of his naked body, or maybe it was just shock and confusion. It was quiet for a while as they drowned in the awkwardness until the boy cleared his throat. “Pizza.” He said and left Jinyoung confused for a moment. Then he remembered the delivery and dabbed around on his phone, ordering probably way too much for two people. Or three?

“Where’s Jaebum?” they suddenly spoke up almost in synchrony. Jinyoung tucked his phone into his pocket. “I don’t know.” He answered honestly. “I thought you were him, I mean… I just heard someone come in and…”

The boy took a few deep breaths. “This is his apartment right?” He asked cautiously and Jinyoung nodded. “And who are you?” The boy shifted visibly uncomfortable. “His uhm… I guess…” Well, obviously, when he was lying nude in Jaebum’s bed. “Are you?” It was then that between the nervous and embarrassed posture something else shone through. “Oh, hell. No. No no.” Jinyoung made, lifting up his hands in surrender. “I’m just like… uh, temporary roommate.”

The boy exhaled a soft huff and his posture slumped a little. “How’d you get… why…?” Jinyoung tried to find words to make any sense of this mess.

“Oh, uhm… I really didn’t know of any roommate. Sorry. He gave me a key for… emergency… But… I was never here actually and I just… Oh god…” He buried his face in his hands in what Jinyoung assumed to be another wave of embarrassment, until he heard a small, pitiful sob. What the fuck.

“Jesus.” He muttered in confusion. “Is everything alright?” The boy shook his head with his hands still clutching is face while he sniffled. Jinyoung carefully made his way over to the bed, awkwardly sitting on the edge. The boy pulled the blanket closer, higher up over his body. “Gosh, I’m sorry.” He whined and rubbed on his face.

“Don’t be.” Jinyoung soothed calmly. “Jaebum is a handful, huh?”

The boy’s shoulders tensed, but he stopped sobbing and eventually looked up. “I don’t know.” He said with a sniff. Jinyoung nodded. “To be honest…” He spoke gently, unwilling to hurt the poor boy further, but he really needed to figure out what was going on. If Jaebum gave his key to someone, you’d think it was quite serious, right? “… He never really mentioned dating someone, so…” Of course he had to witness the boy’s face fall. “W…what’s your name?”

It was quiet for a moment, the boy opened his mouth a few times, but no sound came out. Jinyoung decided to wait patiently, until eventually. “Youngjae…” It was more a whisper than anything.

Jinyoung gave the name some time to sicker into his brain, waiting for a revelation. But there came none. Youngjae seemed to notice. “He didn’t even mention me once, did he.” He said soundlessly, not really a question despite the phrasing. Jinyoung did feel incredibly sorry, but he couldn’t really lie in such a serious situation. So he shook his head and mumbled “Sorry.”

“Would you…” Youngjae’s head piped up with a last spark of hope. “be someone he told?” His eyes were begging for an explanation. “I’m… we’re… best friends.” Jinyoung admitted. Youngjae looked like he was gonna burst into tears, but he just pressed his lips together and went quiet.

“I’m trying to make sense of this.” Jinyoung took charge of the conversation. “How long have you been… dunno… dating?” Youngjae shuddered visibly. He spoke very slowly. “I don’t think we are… actually…” “FWB, huh?” Jinyoung nodded, but Youngjae shook his head. “Just… just the benefits I guess. Without the friends…”

That was very strange, Jinyoung thought, but before he could finish his train of thoughts, Youngjae’s seemed to go in a similar direction. “He’s a playboy, huh? Fucks around a lot I guess. Nothing special.” His voice had a bitter note to it, but disappointment was still evident. That’s what Jinyoung meant. “No.” He answered with a frown. “No, not at all.” Youngjae’s lips parted in surprise. They were pretty. His eyes were pretty, too, even if red-rimmed from crying. His skin looked soft from close distance. He was handsome. Jinyoung studied his face thoughtfully.

If Jaebum had an ideal type, this would be it. “Jaebum isn’t one to sleep around.” Jinyoung stated confidently. There had to be something about Youngjae that was different. “Oh fucking hell.” He cursed and startled Jinyoung with his loud voice. He hadn’t seemed capable of so much volume. “Fuck this shit.” He threw the blanket off and jumped to his feet. “Guess I ruined it. Guess I ruined a nice boy. Whatever.” Jinyoung tried not to look while Youngjae strolled through the room naked, collecting his clothes. “You wanna talk about it?” He offered while staring at the wall and heard a scoff.

“Hell no!” Youngjae huffed. After he was done putting his clothes back on, Jinyoung looked at him again. His cheeks were tinted pink in either anger or shame while he stared back. “I shouldn’t have fallen in love with him.” He explained eventually, back to his softer voice. “I shouldn’t have pounced on him like that. I should have accepted that he never even wanted me, but…” He finally looked away and picked up a bag from the floor. He didn’t finish the sentence. He dug out the key from his pocket. The one that has a pink dinosaur charm attached to it – pretty distinguishable- and he threw it in Jinyoung’s general direction, missing the bed big time. “You can tell him he can go find another hole to nut into. I’m not available anymore.” Jinyoung cringed mildly. “…Or don’t. Like I fucking care.” Then he turned away fully and hastily walked out the door.

Jinyoung didn’t stop him, it was obvious he just wanted to go away. He picked up the key and placed it easily visible on the living room dresser where they put their mail and stuff.

It still didn’t seem to make sense.

  
  


Jinyoung was sitting at the kitchen table munching on one of three pizzas when he heard the door open and Jaebum shuffle through the hallway. It was silent for a moment, then Jaebum’s voice carried through the apartment. “Youngjae?!” He asked confused and stumbled towards the kitchen door. He peeked through the doorway and found Jinyoung. “Jinyoung, did you? Youngjae? Is he?” He babbled confused, waving the dinosaur around.

“He’s not here anymore.” Jinyoung answered calmly, taking another bite of his cheesy fast food. “He… not anymore?” Jaebum rushed over and sat on the next chair with an urgent expression. He planted his palms flat on the table in front of him, leaning forward, eyes manic. “Why did he and what happened and how?” He wanted to know.

Jinyoung was seriously confused. “Would you tell me who he is?” He asked, raising a brow. Jaebum had the decency to look ashamed. “A boy, I… I know…” He stammered, visibly uncomfortable. “Was he here?” Jinyoung nodded, unable to bear with Jaebum’s obvious distress. “You mean a boy you fuck?”

Jaebum shifted. “Yes, god, yes. Of course, yes, I admit.” He babbled. “Why was he here? What _happened_?” Jinyoung stopped eating for a moment to think. “I guess… I suppose he was here for a fuck? Like a surprise fuck?” He offered, raising a brow in question and witnessed Jaebum actually, literally, blushing. “Ah… Aha.”

“If you ask me what happened. I’m not really sure?” Jinyoung kept explaining, but slower, chewing in between. “So instead of you he found me. (Jaebum gasped in shock.) And after learning that me, your roommate and _best friend_ , had never heard from him, he must have realized that you don’t see him as a companion of sorts, but more like… maybe a sex doll? Then he was angry and left. That’s how I see it.”

Jaebum stared at him absolutely aghast. “A _sex doll_?” he repeated, too shrill to not hurt someone’s ears. “He said that?!” Jinyoung rubbed the ear that was closer to Jaebum with a sour expression. “Well not these words exactly. He phrased it something like: A hole to… fuck. Or something, I don’t know man, but you two obviously got some serious issues.”

Finally Jaebum took his arms off the table and slumped backwards into his chair, eyes dead and he huffed. “He…” He grumbled. “He says… ugh… You know. _He’s_ the one who always wants to fuck.” Jinyoung would really love to say “I don’t caaare.” But he’d lost that privilege when he won the who’s-Jaebum’s-best-friend-competition against Jackson. So he nodded as if he were interested. Now that it seemed the real problem was nothing more than a miscommunication, his interest dwindled quickly.

“I wanted to date him so bad… really Jinyoungie. But, like… we can’t talk for two minutes without him getting into my pants or something. I swear it’s so exhausting…” Jaebum whined unhappily. Jinyoung frowned. “Let me guess.” He sighed, rubbing his temple against an oncoming headache. “You never told him that, have you?”

Jaebum’s head piped up like a puppy smelling a hamburger. “Of course not.” He said dismissively. “And I assume he hasn’t told you that he felt used in return has he?” Jaebum shook his head wildly. “God, are you useless. You’re like a match made in heaven.” Jinyoung reached around the table and dug his fingers into Jaebum’s pocket to pull out his phone.

He didn’t say anything. Just gestured and Jaebum actually complied.

  
  


A few hours later, Jinyoung regretted every choice he ever made. He lay on the sofa, curled into his blanket on his temporary bed and stared into the darkness, wishing desperately he was deaf.

“You know I just… AH… tried to… AHH to make you… AH AH AH… want me!” Youngjae’s voice thundered through the locked bedroom door and if Jinyoung had ever thought he had a soft, pleasant voice, he couldn’t remember it. Jaebum and him had been friends for almost 15 years and he’d made it all those times without having to listen to him _growl_ and _grunt_ like a rhino in cardio training. And now those peaceful days were over. All the while Youngjae sounded like a damn porn star. He pleaded for almost anything. ( _‘Kiss me’, ‘Touch me’, ‘Spank me’, ‘Bite me’_ ).

He didn’t know how people solved an argument over their own fucking, but it was the most disgusting thing he ever heard. They moaned their apologies in between the dull thumping sound of the headboard being pushed into the wall and forgave each other while something crashed and shattered on the floor of which Jinyoung assumed it was the nightstand lamp.

Jinyoung bit down on the corner of his blanket and held back his tears while he shoved a hand down his pajamas.

He’d had to move out of his apartment when he discovered the walls were molding inside and Jaebum had allowed him to stay for a while until he found something new. It’d become too comfortable and cheap and he’d stayed way overdue and kind of stopped looking.

Now he knew he needed a new place ASAP, even before Jaebum took him to the side the next morning and told him just that with the most content face he’s ever had.


	14. Third - 2jae with a hint of Markjin

In the dim light, everything looks more romantic than it is. Jinyoung’s glowing eyes and plush lips. Mark’s canine smile and soft mob of brown hair. The atmosphere is flittering with electricity. Want, adoration, desire. It’s palpable.

Jaebum understands the look on Jinyoung’s face. Because he feels it, too. Because Mark is breathtaking. Jinyoung leans in and Jaebum watches their lips brush together. It dissolves into a heated play of tongues too quickly, Mark panting roughly into Jinyoung’s mouth. Then a moan, half swallowed makes it to Jaebum’s ears sounding like music and he repeats what he did, pushing his head down, swallowing Mark’s cock down his throat. He gags, when Mark’s hips buck, but it’s okay, he doesn’t mind. He sucks around his head, producing lewd wet noises, but they get overshadowed by Mark’s moaning and Jinyoung sucking on his tongue.

A hand sneaks into his hair and Jaebum whimpers around Mark’s length from the simple touch. He’s desperate for it, he’s rock hard and needing a lot of willpower to not touch himself. He’s almost disappointed to realize the hand is Jinyoung’s. He leaves it there, fingers curled around strands of his hair and detaches from Mark’s lips with a wet noise, smacking and licking down his throat to slick his nasty tongue around Mark’s nipple. He groans into his chest and Jaebum regretfully notices that Mark managed to wiggle a hand down Jinyoung’s body and wrap it around his leaking cock.

Jaebum sucks with more fervor, watches Mark’s mouth fall open and spill sounds of pleasure. He pops off, panting heavily and makes an attention seeking sound. Jinyoung’s hand falls from his head. Mark blinks at him hazed and reaches up behind himself, scrambling for the lube and condoms. A jolt of pleasure sparks through Jaebum’s body from the thought alone. Eagerly he takes the condom off his hand and rips the package open to roll it down Mark’s erection. When he squeezes lube into his palm, Jinyoung comes up from sucking on Mark’s nipple.

Jaebum leans down to press his lips to Mark’s while curling his lubed fingers around his length, slicking him up. He swallows his moans and licks into his mouth, but the kiss stays barely reciprocated, so Jaebum opts to kiss down to his neck and suck hickeys into his skin while pumping his length. He feels Jinyoung’s hand nudge against his hand and take over the task of evenly spreading the lube around Mark’s length, Jaebum takes the opportunity to bring his own behind him and use two of his slick fingers to open himself up.

“Hnh, I wanna fuck you so bad.” Mark’s raspy voice states and it has Jaebum shudder and clench around his own fingers. Gasping he detaches from his neck. “Let me open you up.” Mark half whispers in this strained voice that sounds so sexy and Jaebum won’t say no even if he’s impatient and wouldn’t mind getting fucked right then and there.

Mark sits up and Jaebum rolls onto his back. But to Mark’s other side, he pushes Jinyoung over and down onto his stomach, then climbs behind him with the lube, squeezing a decent amount right between Jinyoung’s cheeks.

Jaebum swallows while he stares at them. Mark’s seductive smirk and Jinyoung’s sparkling eyes. He takes a shuddering breath and when Jinyoung moans desperately from Mark pushing three of his fingers inside of him, Jaebum tears his gaze away. There’s a dull pressure on his ears, as if he’s going deaf, his mind is swimming. Shivering he slides his feet off the bed, not able to get up until they’re both firmly planted on the fluffy carpet.

He’s completely quiet, motions calm and measured as he sneaks through the room, picking up pieces of his clothes and piling them in his arms. When he thinks he has them all, he walks over to the door, ignoring the desperate moans and seductive whispers and slips out of the room unheard.

They don’t want him.

 

Youngjae is surprised, to say the least, when the door to Mark’s room opens in the middle of… Well. Sexually sounding moans wave through the air and by instinct he turns his head towards the door. Out steps a handsome man with dark hair and long legs. He’s nude and shivers, maybe from the cooler air in the living room and he’s absolutely hard. He has a pile of clothes clutched to his chest, tightly as if it was a plushie doll and he’s seeking for comfort.

Rough moaning makes it past him from inside the room and Youngjae frowns. Tge guy pulls the door shut quietly, then he’s just standing there. His eyes are casted downwards to the floor, empty expression on his features. Youngjae shifts uncomfortably. It’s not like he’s never seen a naked man, no less one stepping out of Mark’s bedroom, but that one clearly hasn’t noticed him yet and Youngjae feels shady staring at him. He can’t help it though. The guy is really hot. The wide shoulders are totally his style and so is that gorgeously thick cock.

Maybe if he crouches down and lays flat on the sofa the guy won’t see him. But that would be even creepier. So instead he clears his throat gently. The guy almost jumps in surprise, his gaze flicking up and finding him, welping in shock. His arms scramble down to hide his receding boner, but he’s so shaky, half of his clothes just drop to the ground as he does and in his attempt to catch them, the rest also falls until he’s just covering himself with his flat hands.

Respectfully Youngjae turns his head away. “Sorry.” He speaks neutrally. “Don’t worry, nothing I haven’t seen before.”

“I… uhm… what… h… who?” He hears the man stammer and then shuffle, rustling of fabric and clacking of belt-buckles following. “Oh, I’m Youngjae.” He answers, staring down at the book in his lap. “Mark’s roommate.”

“Ah.” The guy makes, apparently putting his clothes on. “S… Sorry, I didn’t know I…” Youngjae cuts him. “Oh, don’t worry. I honestly didn’t expect someone out there as of yet.”

The guys rustling quiets and Youngjae deems he can turn around again. It’s visible that he got dressed in a hurry, shirt crumpled and hair messy. It looks kinda cute. “Y… You know what…” the man gestures wildly behind himself. Youngjae shrugs. “Mark brings a lot of fuck-dates. No biggie.” He means to be reassuring, but sees his face fall and feels sorry immediately. “Though.” He adds, thinking that he should now go through with it, let the poor dude know what he’s gotten himself into. “Usually he doesn’t let them get away until they’re done.”

Even from half across the room he can see the guy swallow hard. “Oh, they’re not done.” He responds, bitterness evident in his tone. “Oh…” Oh… Youngjae pulls a face. More than one partner aren’t exactly a novelty for Mark, but they’re not common either.

“Threesomes not your thing, huh?” He asks in an attempt to keep the mood light, though he’s not sure why exactly. Youngjae is a social person, but why socialize with your roommates pick-ups? Then again, why doesn’t that man show any signs of leaving? He shrugs and looks away. “Guess not.” He mumbles.

Youngjae slides the book off his lap and turns his body around on the sofa, propping his arms on the backrest and placing his chin on his hands. He’s intrigued. The guy is a cutie. “What’s your name?” He inquires curiously. The man’s eyes dart back to his. “Jaebum.” His voice is low and hesitant. “Hi Jaebum.” Youngjae smiles and then asks carefully. “Are you alright, Jaebum?” He witnesses his mouth open and close silently. Then he bites his teeth together and shakes his head.

As if on cue, a viciously loud moan bangs through the apartment having both of them freeze still. Jaebum’s hands ball into fists and he blinks rapidly. Uh oh. Youngjae scrambles to his feet. “Do you want a coffee?” “I should leave now.” They speak at the same time and still. “Do you…” “I should…” They try again, once more in synchrony and break off. Youngjae rolls his eyes pretentiously and witnesses Jaebum’s jaw untense at least a little. He lifts his arm in a ‘Shush’ motion and says. “Would you like a coffee?” Jaebum looks insecure and eventually shakes his head slightly. Youngjae nods in understanding and gives it another try. “A beer?” To that, Jaebum nods quite quickly.

Gesturing him to follow, Youngjae tapers towards the kitchen, and creaks the door shut after them. They never close the kitchen door, what for? What kitchen’s do even have doors? But now it’s probably better. Jaebum slides into a chair without being offered, but Youngjae doesn’t mind. He takes two beers from the fridge and opens them, holding one out. Jaebum nods a ‘Thanks’ and they give a slight toast before both taking a sip. Jaebum’s last a bit longer.

He plants the can on the kitchen table and sighs obnoxiously. It suits him, the beer. Drinking his pain away. When’s he not looking so lost, he’s quite handsomely cool and not just cute. Youngjae props his butt on the counter. He ponders. Should he offer an ear or a shoulder, or should he rather change the topic and offer distraction? “You wanna talk about it?” He decides to leave the option to Jaebum. He shrugs in response and looks up questioningly. “Thanks but… Why would you care?” “Dunno.” Youngjae admits thoughtfully. “You just looked like you’d need a friend. Also…” He takes a deep breath. “I know Mark for a bit and he’s a bitch and sometimes he just makes me angry and…” He studies Jaebum’s frown. “And I’m nosy.”

Being honest is one of Youngjae’s character traits he’s quite proud of. And it works if the way Jaebum’s features soften is anything to go by. “He’s… really beautiful.” He mumbles beaten, takes another swig of his beer. Youngjae snorts, accidentally. “Yeah sure.” He adds hastily at the look he receives. “Yeah, I mean… Pretty Mark, guys everywhere falling over themselves trying to get in his pants…” He scoffs. Jaebum tilts his head, just a notch. “Have you…?” To which Youngjae shakes his head rigorously. “Hell nah.” Jaebum nods, staring into nowhere and turning his head towards the table.

“I’m sorry if you liked him…” It bugs Youngjae to say it. He’s not really that sorry, but it’s probably the nicest thing to say. So much for being honest. Jaebum isn’t the first and won’t have been the last. He’ll get over it like all of them. And Mark is stupid for chasing such a piece of candy out his bed. Candy shrugs. Then, with some difficulty he whispers. “’s like I wasn’t even there.” Youngjae frowns. It’s hard to imagine that a guy that handsome isn’t the center of everyone’s attention in the room.

Jaebum chugs his beer down in one go. Youngjae is slightly impressed and slightly turned on. If he gets him drunk… No no, stop it! He tells himself. “I was third-wheeling so hard.” Jaebum elaborates after slamming the empty can onto the table. “Like… they didn’t even… they were so into each other.” His voice grows louder, just a notch with so much fury underneath, Youngjae feels a pleasant tickle between his legs. Yes, he’s that kind of guy.

“I tried really hard, I mean… I did. I…” His voice wavers. “I was willing, I was. I lay there and…” He chokes. “I’ve never felt so worthless…” His head drops, hanging low, any anger completely gone. He looks pitiful the way he sits there, forlorn on Youngjae’s kitchen chair. Youngjae’s heart aches for him. He sets his beer down on the counter and slides off to the ground. Jaebum’s chest heaves heavy breaths, visible and audible as Youngjae quietly steps closer. He feels him flinch, when he places a hand on the messy mob of dark hair. He knows his soothing aura and he really doesn’t want this gorgeous man to feel that way.

Jaebum’s head turns up slowly. He sucks in shaky breaths through parted lips and the kitchen’s light reflects off the wet streaks on his cheeks. “Oh…” Youngjae breathes soundlessly, “Oh, poor you.” He swings a leg over him and casually sits down on his lap, leaving his hand tangled in his hair, fingertips grazing his scalp. Their faces end up a mere 15 centimeters apart and the confusion is evident in Jaebum’s features, but tears still roll down his handsome cheekbones silently. “You’re not worthless.” He assures in a soft whisper, drawing the pads of his fingers through his hair and down to his neck, rubbing and scratching the skin gently. Jaebum’s watery eyes are huge, his breath hitches.

“Thanks.” He whispers quietly. Youngjae smiles and closes the distance, softly placing his lips on his parted ones. He tastes salty tears, tilts his head, holds the back of his neck steady. Jaebum is very shy about the kiss. It stays incredibly sweet, all the way through, even when Youngjae nudges his tongue between his teeth. He feels the shudder beneath the pads of his fingers when their tongues meet, carefully testing, tasting. They dance around one another. It’s wet but calm and slow.

It’s a breathtaking kiss. Youngjae feels regretful when he pulls away, a string of saliva popping between their lips. Jaebum’s eyes flutter open and Youngjae’s belly tingles. “That…” Jaebum breathes. “Was the best kiss I’ve ever had.” Something happens, in Youngjae’s mind, his body reacts in a way so unfamiliar. He feels hot, but not sexually hot. His cheeks feel so warm, there’s a pull in his chest. The honesty has him speechless for a moment. “You can also have the best blowjob you’ve ever had.” He promises eventually, raspy because his throat feels dry, pressing his bottom down on his lap.

Jaebum blinks. His cheeks are still wet, but no fresh tears are falling anymore. Then he shakes his head. Youngjae’s stomach plummets. He counted on it. “I’m sorry.” Jaebum crooks and grabs him by the waist. His hold is firm, Youngjae likes it. Then he pushes him off, scrambling to his feet along until they’re both standing. “Thank you.” Jaebum’s voice is a lot more firm than he’s heard it until now. “For the offer. And the beer.” He hesitates for a second. “And the kiss.” Youngjae frowns. “But I’m not like that. And I have to go now.” Youngjae stumbles out of his grip, backwards, hitting the corner of the table. He tries not to show how upset he his, partly because he doesn’t know why. Being refused a hook-up doesn’t throw him off the rail usually.

Jaebum reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone, carefully tapping around on it for a moment. Youngjae leans against the table and tries to calm his beating heart. It’s futile, ‘cause Jaebum lifts his phone up, turns it around in his hand and holds it out to him. He stares at the screen. There it says ‘Youngjae’ and an empty field underneath. He doesn’t think. He doesn’t pick up the phone. He stretches his index out and types a string of numbers. Once he’s done, he takes his hand back and lets his gaze wander to Jaebum’s face.

He’s handsome, his gaze sturdy, the dried streaks on his cheeks barely visible, but still there. Jaebum’s eyes flicker up when he tugs his phone away. And then there it is. The hint of a smile, genuine and sweet. Without stepping in, Jaebum simply leans forward, hand reaching out to smooth against Youngjae’s cheek and then they kiss again. Short, but no less tender.

“Youngjae-ah.” Jaebum murmurs, voice rough and Youngjae shudders hearing his name said like that. “Thank you very much.” Then Jaebum turns and throws over his shoulder. “I’ll find my way out.”

Even when the apartment door falls shut loudly, Youngjae still doesn’t move. What just happened?

When he finally huddles back on the sofa, Mark’s bedroom is dead quiet. He picks his phone from the living room table routinely, without any clear intention, mostly because it feels absolutely impossible now to get back into his book. There’s a new message on his phone, from 5 minutes ago. Just around the time Jaebum stepped out the door. It’s an unknown number.

“Will you go out with me?”


	15. Take - 2jae smut

„I am not okay with that.“ Youngjae states as calmly as he can. Jinyoung gives him a look that makes him _furious_ , but he does his best to hide it. It’s not ashamed, not even apologetic. Maybe pitiful at most. It’s the kind of look that says exactly the same as the words that tumble out of Jinyoung’s mouth. “I understand why you don’t like it and I’ll show sympathy, but in the end of the day I don’t really care. I’m not _asking_ you, I am simply telling you the facts. Whatever you say won’t even change anything. I am way too caught up in this to listen to your advice.” Not those words exactly, of course. Jinyoung paddles around it, but it’s what he means in the end.

He does mention that he’s sorry, but then he follows with all kinds of versions of “It’s my life. I have a right to be happy.” Bla, bla, bla. Youngjae’s had it.

“Go fuck yourself.” He says and Jinyoung’s mouth shuts close. His stunned expression follows Youngjae all the way out the door. “I love you, Jinyoung-Hyung, but you’re making a big mistake. I’m not gonna be butthurt about the fact that you apparently think you’re better than me. You’re not in your right mind, so I’ll forget that. But if you won’t listen to me, there’s no point to this.” He disconnectedly waves his hand through the air in an “All of this” gesture.

Then he leaves.

If Youngjae was a cold-hearted person, he would follow up with what he says to Yugyeom one day. “I have no fucks to give.” He means it in that moment, but it doesn’t end up being true. He gives a fuck. That’s why he finds himself here. Literally giving a fuck.

“Come on, baby.” Jaebum growls and his fingertips dig into the flesh of his thighs, pushing his legs apart. “I knew you couldn’t without me.” He states when Youngjae falls open easily, head stretching back in pleasure. He could. He really could. Jaebum’s length, rock hard and slippery is already nudging at his entrance. He can’t. Not now. He doesn’t answer.

“You’re so pretty.” Jaebum praises. “Still so pretty. Always.” His hands smooth over his skin, touching, prodding and Youngjae moans in response. It’s good, feels good. Physically. The feeling of shame and guilt long gone. It was hard at first to pretend. But now he’s not pretending anymore. He loves it, no matter how much he told himself before that he won’t. He missed it, missed Jaebum, his touch, his voice, his naughty tongue.

And the rock of his hips when he thrusts into him unapologetic, skin meeting in a slap and Youngjae’s eyes screw shut and his body catches fire as he spills sound after sound, ears ringing and insides burning with pleasure and want.

He might be pathetic, but Jaebum has no ground to stand on. Because he wanted it just as much. He needed no convincing, no begging. Just an offer and he was gone for, so hungry for Youngjae’s body, so greedy. He’s an animal, driven by carnal desire he wants Youngjae just as much. He wants to own him, he knows that, but he won’t.

Youngjae gives in, shuddering around Jaebum’s length as it’s driven deep into his body, wild and relentless. It’s just Jaebum. And he’s missed it.

He’s loud. Moaning and crying, louder than he ever was. Jaebum loves it, but it’s more than anything reasonable. It’s loud enough to drown out any other sound. On purpose.

_I need to get a quick shower before we go. Just let yourself in._ It’s the text Youngjae sent before he led Jaebum to his bedroom. Just to make sure Jaebum wouldn’t stop pounding him when the doorbell rings. It doesn’t and Youngjae is noisy and unfocused. He can’t focus on listening for the sound of the door or steps, because he’s too far gone. It’s a sacrifice he has to bring, if it is one. It may not be a sacrifice, he’s more than glad to have a reason to do this.

To give in to Jaebum, to feel him again, to feel his possessiveness. He’s as rough as he’s always been, fast-paced, deep thrusts and it’s been so long, the longest since Youngjae’s last had it, he’s been starving for the burn. So he can’t focus, doesn’t hear it, just moans and whines and shakes under Jaebum’s body, under his gaze.

There’s a loud ‘thump’. Loud enough to drive through the haziness of Youngjae’s brain and pierce his skull. It’s not the bed ramming into the wall from Jaebum’s merciless fucking. Something fell to the ground. Youngjae’s head turns sideways, his blurry vision working hard to focus, his eyes find the figure in the door. He knows who it is, of course, but he can’t make out his face, can’t read his expression. His lips part, he wants to speak, but all that makes it past them is another cry of pleasure when the blunt head of Jaebum’s perfect cock rams into his prostate and has him see stars.

He sputters, chokes on air and he knows it’s on purpose that Jaebum pushes into it again and renders him unable to speak. “Jinyoung-ah.” It’s Jaebum’s voice cutting through the air. It’s out of breath, but also out of emotion. “Would you like to join, honey?” His hips connect with Youngjae’s bottom and there he stays, buried to the hilt inside him and stops. Youngjae’s desperate wail is as pathetic as it is involuntary. He can’t pull out of it, he just can’t. He’s a mess.

Jinyoung doesn’t answer, at least Youngjae thinks he doesn’t. He stands there, frozen solid on the spot. Jaebum, casually, dismissively has taken on to grinding his hips in small motions. Not enough for any satisfaction, but too much to bear in his mind of hazed pleasure as Youngjae’s body squirms and tightens around the thick, hard cock impaling him.

Jaebum doesn’t stop entirely, but he doesn’t really keep going either. It’s frustrating and torturous and Youngjae feels tears brimming in his eyes. Then Jinyoung finally wakes up. “STOP!” He yells, voice furious, even in Youngjae’s muffled ears. Jaebum thrusts once. “Fucking STOP!” Jinyoung screams and Youngjae moans. “You damn fucking whore!” Jinyoung’s voice topples over. “How dare you! I said STOP!”

Youngjae is relieved that Jaebum doesn’t listen and his mind doesn’t grasp in this moment that Jinyoung is talking to _him_. He doesn’t care. His mind blanks, his back arches, his knees cling to Jaebum’s sides, his fingers dig into the mattress when Jaebum picks up the pace he held before. He screams in pleasure as his head stretches back and Jaebum abuses his sweet spot until he can see stars dancing before his eyes and finally his orgasm knocks him out.

It’s mind blowing, but finite. Even in that very moment as he comes and tightens and listens to Jaebum’s growl while filling him up, even then he knows. It’s not the same and will never be.

  
  


He allows himself just a moment to catch his breath. He doesn’t want to risk getting comfortable, even though said risk seems small, considering he no longer feels safe at Jaebum’s side. Only when he sits up he realizes that Jinyoung is gone. “I guess he’ll break up with you now.” He states as cold as he can. Jaebum chuckles. “I think he’ll break up with _you_.” He gives back dismissively. Youngjae shrugs. “He might.” It hurts, but he can bear it. “But it’ll have been worth it as long as it ends things with you.” He gets up from the bed and goes to grab some clothes.

Jaebum finally sits up too, piecing him with his dark gaze. “You set this up.” He notes coldly. Youngjae shrugs without looking at him. “Of course.” Jaebum’s scoff is threatening. “Whatever, bitch. He was just a rebound toy. I don’t need him as long as you spread your legs for me.”

Youngjae pulls his T-Shirt over his head and eventually looks at him. “Are you stupid?” He asks with a frown. “I won’t.” Jaebum’s smirk is devilishly pitiful. “Of course, babe. It took you all you had to leave me once. You won’t get away a second time.” He falls back into the sheets with his hands behind his head. “You’re addicted to this.”

It’s true. Youngjae thinks when he pulls the apartment door close behind him and walks up the stairs. He knows it’s absolutely stupid to leave Jaebum alone in his place, but it’s more important to find Jinyoung now, before Jaebum has any chance to talk to him. So he finds himself two floors above in front of his best friend’s door, knocking softly. To his surprise, Jinyoung actually lets him in.

“Whore.” He spits, arms crossed when they’re awkwardly standing in his living room. Youngjae just nods. “You just _had_ to let me know you’re better than me didn’t you?” He shakes his head over the accusation. “That’s not why.” Jinyoung glares daggers. “Oh right. So then you’re just so hung up on him that you can’t let go. Newsflash, bitch. He broke up with you. _He doesn’t want you anymore!_ ” Anger flares up inside Youngjae’s guts. Not because Jinyoung’s words are particularly hurtful, but because he’s being so incredibly stupid and so so blind.

“If he doesn’t want me, why was he balls deep in my ass just 10 minutes ago then?” He strikes back, raising his voice. “What are you trying to hurt me for?!” Jinyoung yells, untangling his arms and taking a threatening step forward. “Why can’t you just accept it?! You lost! He’s _mine_ now.”

“No, he’s fucking NOT!” Youngjae tugs on his hair in frustration. “He’s not yours and he never fucking will be!” Jinyoung takes another step, reaches his arm out and hits him right in the chest, making him stumble backwards. They stare at each other, Jinyoung’s eyes grow wide.

“Jinyoung.” Youngjae starts, quietly now. “I will accept it if you hate me now. I understand. But you’re my friend and I love you. And I couldn’t let you do this.” The moment of doubt is over. Jinyoung’s shoulders shake as he grimaces. “So you _did_ it on purpose!” Youngjae’s heart sinks. “Yes… I did… So you’ll see that he won’t be faithful.” Jinyoung turns around and kicks the sofa. “He _would_ be. If my _best_ friend didn’t…” “Did what?” Youngjae chimes in. Jinyoung stops but stays turned away.

“Didn’t force him? Didn’t make him?” he keeps going. “Sex takes two. Minimum. Jinyoung. I couldn’t have made him if he didn’t want it.” Jinyoung begins shaking his head violently. “No no. You’re his ex. Everybody is vulnerable to their ex. He wouldn’t, if it wasn’t you, you…” “He would!” Youngjae cuts him off. “He will. Jinyoung, I am not better than you and you’re not better than me, but we’re both better than him. Please believe me. He’s not worth it.”

“He broke up with you. You’re hurt. Of course you hate him, but he’s not a bad person…” Jinyoung rants, still not looking at him. Youngjae screams in frustration. “Yes. He is.”

  
  


Jinyoung, despite everything, values loyalty. Jaebum though, is a sweet-talker. Youngjae and Jinyoung fall out and don’t speak for months. Until, one day Youngjae’s doorbell rings and as he opens it, a crying Jinyoung falls into his arms, sobbing and shaking and between the wailing and sniffing chokes out. “He took _everything_.” Youngjae holds him tight. “I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I am alive.  
> Sometimes I write.


End file.
